Thursday, September 24, 2009

Living in Texas..begin

Haven't blog for a while, it was literally full throttle most of the moments in translating, and transcribing. Translate the solution series, took 'a lot of time' at this moment, but it's worth it. there are really points that i didn't 'hear in', i just heard at the knowledge and information level and i didn't realize/clear on them yet. and through translation i am more one and equal to the points, 'cleared'. and i found out, it's my past that need to write out to release it inside, not as a basic construct/food for the mind consciousness system. and so, writing on my history again. it's quite surprised that there are so many about my past that i 'can' write about.

So, i was in Texas with my aunt and her family. there is also a 'illegal' immigrant from taiwan that she was 'renting' a room, hiding or something, she worked in a restaurant as a waitress, 'actively' looking for americans to get married, and got 'dumped' quite most of the time by caucasians. you know, the american 'live in paradise dream'. including myself that i didn't consider the nature of oneness and equality.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about dating Lilly while staying in my aunt's house.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep looking for enslaving others and have better living while others suffer and ignored the oneness and equality of the nature of us as self as life here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'use' others as advantages to as stepping stones to take personal self-interest and down to the core, my core was just caring for myself of what i can get from others for myself.

I self forgive myself for haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'paradise' living is built on others' as myself's suffering that i didn't care for oneness and equality and i just urge desire for what i want to experience energetically.

I live principle living as oneness and equality.
I consider oneness and equality, as effective and efficiency.

So she was there. i was, a..18? 19? youngsters. who..hadn't been out of my home for camping before. well, i was a bit take it for granted for what i have experienced in the house, that there are food when i am hungry, there are TVs, there are 'model kits, toys' that i can go to model shops and 'desire, dreams for' whole day long..but i didn't hv money to buy it, most most of the time. mom takes care of laundry. and i just lie on my bad, reading animation magazines from classmates or later one when i had my first job or something, i bought my first video game player and 'play'. (that's after i came back to hong kong, from america).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just lived in a living of experienced and enjoyed for myself, instead of realize the oneness and equality living and 'contributing' my part but just want to hide away and dodge my responsibilities, and 'rest'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my life as living only through as experiencing energy then i am 'alive' and i am living and my life was meaningful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as need energy and saving/preserving my breathe/strength through resting not realize that it's all the mind and i lived through as the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to the my self-directive principle living instead of letting my thoughts, feelings and emotions to 'direct' me in situations to how i act afterwards accordingly, instead of stand up within myself and self-direct.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live and define myself by being right correct and good not realize, there is only oneness and equality.

I am self-direct and not letting my mind consciousness system as thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me how i should experience myself.

I am not defined myself as pursuing one side, the 'good/nice/feeling' side of the polarity, i am here as all any side.

So, at school or the community college. it was smooth at first i presume, cause it's beginning course or something, wasn't doing as good as when i was in wisconsin's high school though. english was a 'problem' i mean, just words in MCS way can be complex, expressing similar things can have so many words to express and for a foreigner, it was 'difficult' especially when involve into courses of english. i mean, as far as what i have experienced and observed, it's really, not my cup of tea. i mean, ok, let's say i was..the english lecturer for my first fiction reading course or something, she could be 'tender'? she was a journalist/a novel writer herself. she was 'interested' in different culture, she 'looks to me' understand my expressing in english at that moment wasn't 'fluent' at all to a college's level, i mean, don't see my words here now as who i was, if anyone or you at this moment are reading this. i was like..middle school level? especially with the limited vocabulary i had, even here now, it still is. i mean, just like chinese, for a 'culture' that had gone through for five thousand years, and asking someone to realize/understand all those developed through five thousand years, with a mind system inside..i was always dreaming, why..or if i was born in a native english speaking country, my 'future' would be easier. so, she gave me a B or A- or something, and that only reflects on my 'interest' on participating into the writtings. and later on, american history, or even politics which was required or my councellor(spells like a cancellor to me) arrange me. basically, i was rock bottom at those years afterwards. i didn't do good at all, i did various methods but i didn't observe it assists much. while others, i really even at this moment, i still didn't 'counsciousnessly' know how they did, other foreign students i mean, i did asked them before, but i mean, at those periods, not many would tell you much. what i told was stuck in a library, or..just stuff it in. i mean, ever since i grow up, into the middle school, studying isn't 'fun' anymore. memeorizing wasn't my strong at, maybe i wasn't programmed to walk such life..and from here now i look at, everyone was just 'beingness' of a system, a robot or something and i didn't want to be like that. everyone just stuff things in, stuff points in, and it's there..but i couldn't, it didn't work on me. so, people works all sort of ways, finding pass papers, and lecturers, *sight..especially currently here the colleges that i went to..some are terminators as trashing students. i already notice this when i was in high school in hong kong, i was wonder: did, no body in the government knows about? can i suggest/advice to them the truth? .. WT* .. it's the reverse, they made it this way. i have to say it again. WTF. that we have inside us to manifest such world for us to live in. so, pretty 'students' are, usually do fine, might not and..i mean, wouldn't expect them to be book worm or something, i didn't expect so at least. it's like copy machines race. not even photo cameras, it's copy machines. others, are mainly on the lecturer's hand of how much scores that you can squeeze out from them. so, it was screwed. i became, hid away. i mean, i didn't want to..i also was the same moment, experiencing my own 'free'. with no parents. so i went to play video games, without letting my aunt knew, and my parents too. i mean, i didn't want to go to face the system school, but i couldn't stay in my aunt's house and sleep, at moment, sleeping was my hide out..was like, an addiction. that i was addicted to sleeping. i enjoyed being slept instead of active. i was enjoying the beingness of sleeping that i sort of like i 'love' sleeping. i eat only when i had to, then an hour? one and half maybe then i 'wanted' to delve back into sleeping. and i was 'home' sick, extremely. i was like, this world..all of a sudden, it was so cold, everyone's so mean, cold, distant and plotting and defending against each other. and i m among them. of course i didn't see those are my reflections. and just like mother teresa's interview, i lost 'my support' for me to go on. i was, collapsed inside. i was looking for my green house back in hong kong with my mother, father..projecting my future to be back to them. even in my aunt's house, it was like, i was an 'extra' outsider. and i played video games just liked, went to a casino or something. even for games that i finished, just played it again.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and reject, resisting the school system, as deceiving and wasting time, not realize that i/we collectively created that and we live with the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in enjoying power and authority in schools and reflected on lecturers as absolute authority in giving grades.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fond of those that i like or sexually attracted and i offer my assistance but reject those that challenge me instead of evaluating the situation common sensely.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like and want to get close to those that agree with my opinions instead of giving up my opinions as the opinions are a separation of here and i 'copy' the opinions from my parents and others in the first place.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i am my opinions.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by 'thinking' i cannot memorized stuffs with a text book size information and instead of realize it's common sense that works and assist me in living.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of my fear of studying in the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping as hiding and not facing this world as myself and just want to feel comfortability experience comfortability, not realize the oneness and equality in this whole picture.

There is no 'power' and authority but everyone at this moment, expressing and facing their own consequences afterdeath, afterwards.

I am not my personality or opinions, i am self all here.

I for those that i currently find sexually attracted or fond of, they are me as self too, and those that i don't fond of, or dislike, they are me too.

I don't fear my fear of studying. i work common sensely with studying.

So, i was collapsed, 'home sicked' in this america reality, that all i was, 'lost'. It was like i was dealing with multiple 'pressures'. there are so many things i needed to achieve, yet, studying was not 'on my side' so to speak. i was like, why? why did people keep saying, just face it more and more and the information will 'reveal' and it would be there inside your heard(i didn't know it was about revealing pre-programmed life information carried within our human DNA? or something, back then). i tried many many, various methods, drinking coffee, tried not to sleep, and, the vocabulary 'gap' was big, i mean even for here now, if someone give me a novel, in english, tell me to read/write a read-after report even looking up words in the dictionary could cost me much 'time'. and i was using a 'battling' attitude, to try to overcome, achieve, wasn't considering what 'you fight persist'. So, i started to skip classes. at first it was, see if i can concentrate more time in studying the material, later on, i just hide away from it. i felt 'comfortable' or having a little place, 'space' of my own, that i can leave the 'problems/troubles' away for awhile, a silent/quietnessness within me. and later on, it became, i did quite bad in the exams. you know, lecturers that i encountered at that moment, they enjoyed 'you have to answer my own ways, of what i have said, in class' like the lecturer's words are law. and the lecturer is god in whether he likes to give one's score or not. I was at those period, i asked myself: 'what am i doing here? i wanted to stay back with my parents, i was not happy, i was using quite an amount of money' and living, within someone else's house. it wasn't a 'nice experience' at all, this, thank goodness for we are in-truth in nature, in essence oneness and equal within as each other. and for those three years, i have suppressed myself for i'd say, almost everyday, you know, when i was not happy inside, but i need to go on, and can't show it, or showing it outward will 'jeapordize' my situation, or it break the 'relationship' that would not assist. i was, the beingness of 'survival', and many everything about myself was expandable. and i pinch/suppressed myself each day, suppressed what i felt, my unhappiness, suppressed my home sick.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be home sick, defined by a family construct, need companion instead of realize that every comes from a source as life here and everything in existence is self.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to enjoy in a family so that i can have more 'time' in experiencing myself energetically instead of expressing myself in assistance and contribute to self to life our original source, onenessly.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be memory system that can exchange for comfortable jobs but with un-proportional amount and lots of money as enslavement of others as the nature essence of myself, self instead of living oneness and shamelessly, self-honestly, onenessly in facing existence, forever.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself suppressed self for years just for survival, and suppressed the un-happiness and beingness of separated inside me and perceive 'man are tough to sustain must have trained by suffering, throw away self for survival' not realize that, everything was caused by myself.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that I cannot stay without a relationship, and afraid of loneiness not realize that we/I am alone in existence.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i can't live without separation as relationship and energetically hightened by relationship, not realize that we are all one from the same source of life, here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of others being spike my acts when i 'apparently' is under, limited under, inferior to others under circumstances, and suppress myself as self-dishonest to others as self, and being fake to them.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear my fear of being controlled, or harm by the authority, elite, or police, because they currently have tons of money and arms, not realize that first fear doesn't not assist, and just manifest and make things worse and worse, and second, it's not how long I stay on earth but how i spend my stay in every moment, while i am staying.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of dying in immense heat and the pain caused by immense immense heat of a nuclear explosion.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to the idea defining masturbation and sexual experience as something that's worth to hang on in this world, not realize that this world, is a 'apparent temptation' for spend first and paid extremelly later afterdeath in facing oneness, beignness of equal and one to.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel safe and secure when i fear, not realize it's the opposite that this world currently is opposite, as fear manifest what i fear.

I am oneness, we are one from the one source as life here.
I do not live in relationship or separation.
I self-honest to everything in existence as me as self.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Experiencing the Bottom of the Pyramid Hierarchy

So, it was so 'harsh' and enslaving work. what i see from my ex-boss, the tofu factory one. Fear me, cunning, greedy, total ignore of others, abusing, exert his anger and frustration onto others, totally blame others as it is their fault, (it's interesting to mention that, the stone grinder that grind the beans breaks into half, and he said: damn it, lose money again, i mean..even if i weren't there. Things would happen to manifest his frustration inside to release the energy, and current it seems he didn't notice this and it also means 'seem' as i didn't notice this yet. i am working and continuously 'clearing' myself though, i mean, else, i might have tricky/difficulties 'time' in supporting and continuing my internet and the translation in chinese support). and a big point, enjoy exerting/shooting angers inside me to make others suffer or take my anger systems then i feel better when they're fear of me. feeling superior and i am taking this all back to myself to 'feel' and see for myself. only in the opposite 'role'.

Also, still have sexual fantasies inside to want to use masturbation to exert the 'momentary' forget the pain. still yet, having instantatanous 'reactions' to woman or girls' body. i see this as currently as 'want to experience sex' before i die, or a 'over fantasized energetic projections through porns', metaphysically. but as the Desteni newsletter 3 mentioned, i am intergrating, awareing of my body with four count breath. to walk back what i have been missed. actually i sort of experienced similar things couple of months ago, when i was seeing animation porn, i being 'together' with my body and have momentary 'stable, stopped, hereness' and find the contents of the porn 'not very interesting', for a moment. this sexual fantasies is 'annoying' because whenever whoever it's a woman, it could bring out 'nudic ideas', seldomly it's man..i don't know yet how the body is functioning at this moment, they said the life essence has been taken out, but i did 'come' without pictorial or not even aware of myself, i was so tired this tired is the body not myself, i still sleep only six hours a day, and pains especially at the waist spine section.

Also, constantly have the 'image' of my legs being rolled over by a bus. doing self-forgiveness on it. is it i worried for i am so tired that i might lose balance and felt on the road being rolled over? is it i wanted to use the rollover pain as a 'drug' and associated metaphysically immense pain 'opens up' immense sex/masturbation pleasure? to temporary ease/balance the pain that i am experiencing.

I 'like' working/experiencing the bottom enslavement layer to 'cure' my desire for enjoyment or what's wrong with want to have dim sum or stimulations, i personally literally experience that know what it was like. the pain, the suffering and not desire for more anymore. not within oneness and equality 'frame'. to assist me in 'stopping' myself in just go to a chinese restaurant, sit down and then food and others will serve me and i am good. not realize/experience what is 'behind the back door', the atrocities and suffering. and this experience, i absorb into myself so i 'remember' and don't do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just enjoy and look to climb at the tip of the current money pyramid system but not caring the real-living life of the bottom pyramid base that is suffering and supporting those that are at the top.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cunning, greed, and not caring a nickel about others' suffering as it's not my problem you die and i only got my money and i only got one life instead of realize the consequence of personal selfish on money and the caused effects on oneness and equality as doing back to my up-coming days' self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to totally blame others for my unpleasant experience, abusing others treat them like nothing not realize what i experience is all me inside me and have a chance for me to look at.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger, anger into others and make them fear me to feel happier inside not realize it is a loop and re-create my experience until i clear it self-forgive them efficiently and self-corrective applying as not do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use sex and masturbation as a means of balance my pain that's experiencing inside me while working at the tofu factory.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder and lick my boss's wife?'s sex organ just because she's 'treating me better' and not realize this masturbation or sex acts fantasies based on pictorial based are 'out of control'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder the blond teenager getting on the bus instead of realizing the this not self aroused oriented but reactive based on uneasyness unpleasant of pain inside me and i didn't ask permission from her as self and this reactive sex fantasies has to stop.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss my ex-boss mr. lau as a punishing him, as a stimulation as a oneness and equality act.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of because of too tired and drowzyness and busyness that i might lose balance or didn't see and fall my head into the soy bean grinding machine and crushed painfully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project immense pain as direct proportional immense sexual pleasure since the more pain i am experiencing the more i 'desire' of sex not realize that it is all in the metaphysical and not true and not respecting and one and equal to my body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take food for granted and not realize the suffering at the bottom pyramid layer enslavement that is going on and people that need to be 'enslaved' to generate the food and other needs that seemingly ' it's just there, it just magically there, they got paid for producing such things, it is their problem and they don't seem suffering too much, i didn't see their suffering ' as an excuse to keep want more energetic stimulations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself want to have my legs rolled over by a bus to generate immense pain and project having immense sexual pleasure in return not realize it is totally metaphysical fucked up ideas and pain only cause more pain.

Three days experienced in the Bottom Class as Tofu worker

Ok, it has been a while since i write this blog. few weeks has passed. so, worked in a tofu factory for three days. lots of..mirror feed backs, one major one is i enjoy exerting my anger and frustration to people around me whenever i have a chance, almost like using that as a drug and it is shown by Mr. lau's reflections on me, my ex-boss so to speak. and another thing is i really have a lot lot lot of realization of what i have accepted and allowed for take it for granted, even a little piece of tofu, bean curd or soy milk, oh and yes, they did put a lot of additives inside, working as an uneducated worker at the lowest suppressed almost close to the bottom of the pyramid base level. after experienced such hurting, extreme sharp edge pain on my back that i can't hardly move last night that i need to sleep early, the current money system pyramid hiearchy is plain, apparently a music chair game, but in behind truly it was a game of certain beings playing with 'reincarnations' into the 'good lifes' as elites. every piece of especially waist below muscles hardened like robots moving, stiff and sharp pains back of spine it is not just pain, it was sending a signal that it can't handle very well at all and stop doing suppressing 'me' again, yet i was 'required' to work the next day. it's not my ex-boss don't need me, for such harsh work he need someone and an extra turn of making another tofu already can 'earn' my little salary, it's me dress up my coat and he knew i was looking for other jobs that 'pissed' him, i am glad at this moment i still have shelter and food to sustain myself and support for the Desteni oneness and equality project. for those that are on what i have experienced daily or even worse, i am ..shamed of myself for pursuing all sorts of things like dim sum to make all sorts of people involved especially the lower pyramid base level workers, that as long as i have or my family have money, i want to go to a 'restaurant'..or the waitress/'s their job, they don't seem tired..once i worked behind the 'back door'. i can say, i don't 'like' to eat any bean produces, again. same as dim sum, i mean, the suffering and pain is so 'horrible' this three days, did assist me a lot in seeing how the lower extreme low class in the pyramid base is experiencing, how the actual pain and suffering they are in. literally, shortening their life time to exchange for money for their boss. and not to mention the physical as the beans are being boiled and crushed. this 'system' of madness in everyone wants to be the tip of pyramid can't go on like this, actually i knew, before, quite very well, but i just want more, more video games, more stimulaiton/greed on food, more traveling go here go there. ok, continue maybe next morning, it's tired 'today'.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Self in oneness, effects of knowledge and information

When i was translating the solution oneness video tonight, really heavyness within. shame, heavyness, stop what i have accepted and allowed. and stop is something that i haven't actively participated, i was: ok, this has to be stopped but i didn't stop myself within. which is fear of not existing anymore and not 'want' to give up, mainly sex and masturbation related. and i lately from the reptilian benevolence video series that (it was mentioned before but i wasn't getting what it means yet) that 'high' energy as excitements, hilarious, ecstasy comes from 'robbing' and throwing neagtive energies to others such as poor, suffering, pain, starving. this is as far as i realize so far. it..quite make sense to me. nothing comes from free, there is no free-energy, there is no la la land for everyone. no, it can't. i cannot reach the tip of a 'highness' in on the tip of the pyramid without stepping on the foundations of the bottom layer. and everyone 'can' reach the highness to the tip of the pyramid of highness of 'ecstasy', it's not possible. it 'apparently' possible because currently whenever people don't see, actually as i was before, even i see plant or animals that 'moves'..i looked back, i didn't treat them as equal to me, i just care about myself and what i get from the society, capitalistic system.

I was very if not totally mad and lost among existence at those time. i kept have 'thoughts' of: it's it, there is nothing i can do to the society, it's human, it's history repeating itself, i only have one life 80/90 years if lucky..but i missed something quite 'heavily'. my source as everything comes from a source, not oh it's just a/the source i more care about how 'great/complex/wonderful' i can built out based from this source. and secondly, i was not 'living' all. i was just systematically 'jerking' my time away and split of second ecstasy, then downness loneyness guilt remorse and then..go look for ecstasy again and then downness loneyness guilt remorse..and the cycle keep going and going and going for 36? years..not as 'concrete fulfilled meaningful' as this 8? months that i was involved into transcribing and translation. and i 'improved' a realization and physically on my living habit on earth here. to name a few, i don't pee at night anymore can sleep continuously for 6, 5 currently .. 4 and a half? hour..losing weight on the waist..belly..fully recharged after every night just for around 5 hours of sleep. my mom's like ..sleeping 9? hours..and she's quite frustrated for seeing my way of not falling into the category of 'a system'.

Have some PMs with angela. i mean, quite a reflection of myself. ego, enforcing what i see fit as 'right' on to others, 'want to assist others but in my way only', need to defend my ego whenever my opinion is offended. i shared with her what i realizations and see. currently i am..'reluctant but come to terms with oneness and equality'. it was 'difficult' to drop my opinions as my personality as who i currently am but i see it as who i am, tends to want to guard them, but hey, i mean why limited myself only to these bunch of opinions? why only to one 'ego' when i am 'truly' all ego..we are just playing inside a huge role playing game, but..i treat some characters are more 'valued' and some players i don't like, some i 'hate', some i more 'fond of', some i see them as 'wrong', some i admire and 'worship'..while missing the source of point of it: the player is life. i and all players are not the role or bubble suite that we are 'wearing' and lost in energetic battling, enslaving each other through 'profits as money' and avoid the consequences of abusing others, anything. not anymore, things are breaking down, deteriorating, fast, people are losing control to of themselves, i mean, look at the traffic, the drivers, my mom..everyone is getting more 'unstable inside their mind', pissed a self-uncontainable way, most currently don't realize this.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop myself and i just kept pursuing outside and blame for the human nature as that is it, i can't do anything, it's futile, enjoy as much as i can before i die not realizing even if there is 'cease to exist' it is how i spend my life moments here on earth, no shame no regret in facing everything afterdeath..instead of lost in the sexual split of second ecstasy 'feelings', a mouse inside a turning wheel.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to give up sex and masturbation feelings that as proclaiming i am subjected to/limited to/can't exist without the split of second ecstasy feelings as mathematical separated relationship equated energetic balance expression that i am subjected and only limited by the definitions of this world and i cannot be 'free' when i was defined/bounded by that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define free/freedom as do what i want/desire, enslave others as much as i can but keep a mask of i am nice and not acting anything in harming others, experience as much energetic pictorial masturbation as i can not realizing free is the source the as all life here as undefined by the bubble suits.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worship knowledge and information instead of worshiping self not realizing knowledge and information is fear, fear of failure again, fear of wrong doings again, following past path as past experience as a starting point and not living when knowledge and information is worshiped and defined as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed into more and more higher energy feelings while not realize nothing comes for free and whatever i experience in highness the other lowness as starving, being raped, torture, suffering is needed to be manifested to balance it out, where else can it come from.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only concentrate center in me me and me through thoughts feelings and emotions as a mind consciousness system 'told and directed me' how to experience myself through knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest as believing there is free energy and everyone someday can collectively enslave nature or earth as an energy source and human happy forever in the drug as sex ecstasy not realizing everything in existence is me is life here is oneness, happiness exist in play with oneness not enslaving within oneness but try to avoid the consequence of my acts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fear of not existing, not..realize that i am here and everywhere is here, common sensely simple.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy energetically enforcing others to accept my assistance accept my way and i am right in supporting my ego as personality as guidelines/rules as satisfying my personal ego as a starting point.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy and have to defend my ego as programmed core essence codes whenever my opinions is in contradictions with others then it's always my opinions as code fragments is right/correct not realizing i am codes but codes are not me, currently, i am all life as oneness in equality.

I am not defined and bounded by knowledge and information, i release delete self-forgive information and knowledge that is not supporting oneness and equality at this moment.
I am not ego opinions and personality manifestations.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I am physical

Have been practicing practicing i am physical today, quite interesting so to speak. it was calm, and not emotional for the whole time, very here like a back to home finally 'beingness'. starts 'feeling' a beingness in the breathe.

Talked to someone in pathway about looking for a job for the internet and for the due course. the staff Dave, talked to him a bit..also involve a little bit about what course i am taking. i mentioned there is a website about everything, and he said the economy 'hopefully' will recover, i used the money based on national debt he agrees with this, but when talk to it's a projection of the future enslavement that is equals to 'debt'. he said two times he didn't see why that is enslavement. to what i see is, he is denying 'enslaving others' and use didn't see to justify his acts instead of acknowledge and realize and face the 'enslaving' others. i mean, for myself, i see there is enslavement without the national debt model, i see enslavement when i go to a restaurant, i see enslavement when those that work the most like farmers, labors but in the name of 'dumb down through education and in the name of knowledge and information, and hidden technology'..inequality exist in the distribution of 'money'. backed by individual self-interest and not consider the common good in existence.

As have talked to kelme, have seen my brother and mother been programming my brother's one and a half year old daughter. in the name of 'protecting' her, my mom gave her an empty pen and told her: here is your pen to draw. when she asked for soy sauce, my brother 'deceive' her by pretending dipping it in front of her and said: it's dipped. when she asked for something: my brother and his wife said: what do you say when you want something? thank you father. who are you asking? you need to ask who? father, father please give me my spoon.(obedience), manipulation and throwing anger to her. do this do this, else, you won't get what you 'ask for'. like i was, forced to 'survive' and bend not because of what i was told to do but i adopt the 'skill' that my parents mainly father doing and 'programmed' myself to use it for my 'own advantage' and when i've grown up to certain extent i kept silent in the 'outside' of me. and have not stand up myself, presuming there is no point of arguing, i need to survive. i mean either way i missed the point of self-stand up and self-direct and only concentrated on 'fight back' and angry.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it's simplicity in common sense that is the way of handling things but i delve into the complexity of reasons and mind consciousness system, try to use reasons to defend my act on 'enslaving others' and as long as my world is fine, i got a steady income i kept self-dishonest and support the inequality money system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deceiving others in names of 'for their own good' but just for self-interest as act of through others perform to them as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to control and manipulate others, using 'i am teaching you' obey me fear me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bend and not self-direct the situation.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in simplicity as physical.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Give up the mind consciousness system

I just re-see the mother nature's video. inside, she mentioned something like give up the mind consciousness system as our outer world is how it is constructed today. i have never considered, i mean, i see the videos but i didn't get what i means by 'give up the mind' not until when transcribing today. to me, it's quite a difference between, reading at information and knowledge level and 'participate' when i as self is involved. when i actually do it, participate in it. it's more 'real' of course, i still need to walk them live them to make them real.

but, yea..i didn't consider i can give up the mind consciousness system. i mean even the 'thought' of it already sounds make sense. i was using, applying the tools but at the same 'time' stick inside the mind consciousness system and without giving it up. the start point could be from a mind consciousness system. the beingness/feeling of give up the mind consciousness system is like simplicity. and i just found out, i could also need to give up my personality as well. breathe seems to do better this way, again without the personality..what will i be?

Solmaz was to me, kind of irritated when she's chatting with me. to me, i see there are angers, frustration and covering up exists inside her, it was about the events that are coming, i stated about the 2012 that was mentioned by Bernard, she see it as my 'belief', i pointed out it is a marks that bernard and those use it as a 'placement' because the public generally already anticipate inside their mind consciousness systems that 'something's gonna happen but they don't know what it is' she's insisting on 'arguing' and fight back. taking things to a personal level. i didn't expect privateforum members are with such systems inside. i pointed to her and suggest her to watch the angry system videos, some suggestions. but she's interested in getting me into the arguments with her. i finally, told her that the last piece of suggestion that i would give her in the chat. and left the 'fighting pit'. there is no point of arguing at all, arguing is only for defending one's right and through rejecting other's wrong to confirm one's rightness of opinions. i mean, i work/explain to some points, after that..that became plain arguing. and i am not participating in arguing in supporting systems.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be irritate and angry inside and keep suppressing them inside dodging avoiding the problems instead of self-forgive them and live on.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame it is the other self that's causing the discomfort angryness inside me and not realize that it is the events that taking place to 'manifest' the anger inside me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider other people as self's views and suggestions, and i just feel angry and it is the other person's fault and use this 'chance' to instigate a fight to manifest the anger within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep arguing and stick with my ego instead of using common sense first to see if what has said worth accepting it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give myself to the systems and yield to start an argument.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cold eyed and enjoy seeing/watching two or more people to fight with each other and chuck away.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be relying on logics and suppressing myself inside me instead of using common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live inside a shell that i always 'wanted' to protect myself from other's as me might harm/attack me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accept and allow myself to be vlunerable and enclose myself inside a nutshell, afraid of getting contact with other people as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pin myself down suppressing myself inside the mind consciousness system and 'feeling' i am not worthy to live in this world, i am less than an ant.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wu Wei's brough me a gift - a long lost article

It was an 'unexpected' event, totally in the moment, was is here i can't really tell at this moment. but i realize something is i was parrot talking through my mind consciousness system, all in the past all this year. it's rather 'interesting' (i wouldn't use the word complicated).

Wu Wei has asked me questions about the veno's molecules articles. which i had read quite a 'long time ago', maybe at my early period of when i first joint Desteni. totally got 'screwed up'/got fucked by the article so to speak. had read it many times, didn't get a 'fuck' of what it's talking about, what blue dots, and the words that veno's using..was like presented in the article was like 'cindarella/alice in wonder land' - reloaded, and revolution. i mean, using a mind consciousness system at this moment i am quite didn't get what he's saying at all. here now, i realize, much realized in regrading to the before me when i first joint Desteni. at first when i read the article i was, totally in fuck of frustration land and don't got what he's saying. i got frustrated, angry and totally no clues - at that moment, it's like a mixture of angry and frustration and troublesome and curiosity of what it is about..

After couple of months of translating and transcribing works. i realized, quite a lot. and especially when i pracctice beingness of the moment, it's totally a 'wonderful, strange in certain extent, natural and fullfillment type of beingness'. and it is through that, that i can see myself: 'oh, i am a parrot, still a mind consciousness systematic parrot at this moment' i didn't see this, i thought i have 'realized' but not enough if i had. i would say, some observations are correct, but some are/maybe not totally correct in it's whole. it's quite strange and a bit of confused at this moment, because this unexpected gift of re-read this paragraph immense, which also make the already 'intangled' situation more tricky.

Let me describe what is moment living. i, am the living moment as through as the breathe. within the moment, there is no time. everything's silent, totally still, it all happen inside the breathe. let me recall and stablized before i go on. ok, here now is moment living, it's quiet stable, clear concise simplistic, no energy fluctuations or whatever, the words that i use are different. tone is different, words expressions are different. it's fullfilled, and there is not 'time' construct within the moment. no, nothing..plain silent, and yes, not a being of silent, but a beingness of silent. this calm, 'peace-ness', slow inside yet i am typing fast outside, absolute stable within the moment, within my breathe, that's similar to a child when i was small - absolutely stable and 'Here' if i may term it that way. it's like 'constantly expanind' inside me..not a 'feeling that based on energy'. energy does not exist within moment. this beingness right at this moments, that i am experiencing, makes me really makes me feel 'kind of silly' if i may use silly instead of 'stupid' which is another more heavy energetic words, for delving all my life back then into the totally 'low level of experienced' through as the mind consciousness system's pictorial based masturbation, a very limited 'feeling' and illusion of 'highness' while it's this 'peaceness' that life on 3D earth's worth experiencing and being. masturbation seems so 'trival' in front of beingness of moments inside breathe. within through as moments(yes, that's the words i was looking for) that's an enjoyment, that's an efficient way of performing, quick on the outwards yet 'absolute presence of moments if not here', it's like a fountain, yet moving but time stand still within in. the outer world's time doesn't stopped, at this moment i am typing it's within a space and time continnum yes, but inside me through as the moment, it's absolute clear silent, well except my voice sounding insdie my head while i am typing here now. besides this, it's all silent, crystal clear, beingness through as the moments. this 'almalgomation with the moment' is not through energy, so if any fructuation occurred, or forcing is involved, it's mind consciousness system. it's this 'voidness' that i first experience..that i have never experience before. when 'aligned' with moments inside my breathe, i am not 'governed' by time anymore, i just float within my breathe, slowly, to where? i can't locate it yet.

Here now is an working on moment here. so i was always afraid of here, try to get away from here - only here now i sort of use the same method to apply on moment here. that i found it's silly also, here is not boring, here is not 'silly', here is like a strength. that's i can see that all my definitions about moments and here was not correct, beingness of here is like a horse. same here, no energy invovled, yet it's beingness through as here is like within energy 'losing control'. but it's precise, and's fluctuated yet not energetically also. and also, it's not defined by or 'access' by energy. Here is like a wild horse? here now i see that all sorts of worry about here and moments are 'illusional' unreal. not true at all. it fluctuate yet, i was not losing control in regrading to when i was in 'energetic madness' ..even the words give me a 'dullness' and low plane's feeling. being hereness is kinda of really like bernard's expression - a mad scientist. yet, this 'mad' is not defined by energy, it's a horse inside the breathe that always pushing me..again not energetically. and common sense seems a bit increased at this 'moment' when i am writing. it's here now, like a moon, hmm, strange, interesting. a quiet version of here. don't really know what is quites down. it's like a horse stalking. one thing i found quite it's like sort of find a beingness/point/alignment inside the breathe of where 'time' will hold still within me, within that i am not govern by time. it's not use energy or time to create a vacuum for no time. no, it's a natural beingness of time stopped. self-honesty to my breathe.

Monday, August 3, 2009

What a night

So, have quite some experiences tonight. first, in the afternoon..i realized it's the points that i am holding on to that i am not the point but i presume that i am the point, the points are me which makes quite a realization to me. then, a one of the presenter in the lunch banquet, talked/got interested in my words, sayings about Desteni's thing. he said he was studying mathematics, and has studied the traditional chinese philosophy he did quote something from the bible..not much. what i found that is, he's quite an open-minded person. he claimed it's interesting, he showed curiosity that how i see him. ok, then i go..maybe it's a start, of my world's changing or people from other places or so called professional area or relatively younger persons have open minded so i tried on working with lilian's daughter on talking to her about 'beauty' which i didn't particularly use that word. that's is not something that i would 'prefer' for the consequences of defining beauty. i used the polarity and energetic expressions that one/she experienced inside her is a 'like/disklike' prioritized 'feeling' that cause her to define what is 'beautiful and ugly'. she..i would say it seems she common sensely sense that, but she was also looking for 'defends' for her 'belief' of her medical 'successful' doctor world, her information and knowledge. so, i stopped there. i didn't continue and silent inside me. and then, go back into their house..join my mom, my mom said you are slim like a 'ghost' which i just silent not participate in. then, they go inside and laugh and laugh, energetically..which reminds me of my past when i was watching the 'make fun of people shows in hong kong'. my mom was pleasing lilian's daughter, to me it's mainly because she's a 'doctor' and just speak words as a purpose of pleasing others, sort of like if i could say 'energetic partying' each other. i lived like that before, i lived energetically like that before too.

So, we go back home, i got some looking up work in the freegate thing, it took me couple of hours, exchange with Wu Wei some information. ah, and yes, i 'see' this point in Wei too - i liked to keep talking and talking..sort of use talking as a way to 'energetically masturbate with myself through someone else'.

So, later on, tonight i 'see/decided' that it's 'time' to told mom that i am not going back to hong kong this year and i use that money to take a four year course that Desteni is providing and it'll cost 1100euro. she said she will not support me, she need to talk to me further about me associate with these devil/ghost works all day couple of hours each day. i told her if she didn't support me i'll go find alternatives, go find a job. and she use a 'superiority/dominator' way of saying she will cut my Internet line and will not re-open it for me at the end of this year. so that also cause me start to drop points to PM to Bernard, then kept on doing the translation.

then some girl from china with a response who are you? among the close to a hundred person that i posted onto skype. i was like ok..because last time that girl was kind of interested to the video title, but she needed to go to sleep or something and she added me. teenagers are quite 'different' at this moment for here now, i observe that they are vibrant, the first one's curious, this one is anger. and similar talkings like who am i where i am from, what this is about?..and i gave similar answers to her too. the difference is her reactions that she's feeding back on me, for first asking like am i a tibet separationlist..then she wasn't quite listening to what i said and began to say things like if you're such 'hate' to your country and i am a loyalist to my mother china then please? (i don't recall had she said please) don't use chinese characters to type and chat with me. i told her i am here to use this 'opportunity' to share with her my realization, to 'assist' but i am not here to 'decide' for her what the road that she like to walk. and if i made 'misunderstanding' in my words, i apologize. then she said something like: 'eat shit, stupid damn fool..then you go ahead and keep on your work, wake up..chinese whoever has 'consciousness'(it's funny i here now can translate this word into consciousness, back then i was like hmm..this chinese word is very familiar should i put it into english)will not believe in you' i said: sorry, disturbed you.

Share this with Joeku, and Joe asked me like, why apologize? i said she's just 'provoking' a fight and i am just showing her i am not affected by her, as a common good that 'maybe' in the future she might go: why didn't this guy 'respond' as i anticipated even for what words that i have typed? that's how i see it. and Joe said, to me, an "apology" happens when a mistake was made, or when you want to earn somebody's favor. this is just a point i'm seeing in myself... not judging you fred. i said i considered use it this way the 'best' for the common good, not just based on a ego of should i apologize.

Ok, so that's what a night. although i keep remind my self to give up my points that i am not my points. i felt angry? high blood pressure? faint week not having 'strength' like having a heart problem when i was smoking before? and i wasn't stable. it could be showing me i am self-dishonest and having anger inside me, of course i didn't participate in it..not as before. and one more thing, tonight i found i am more into through as and aware of my breathe while eating my dinner: rice. it's was, the awareness level was weak and tonight it is stronger. that's before i had my talkings with my mom.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into the beauty system of enjoy the like/dislike energetic 'feelings' and defined as beautiful and ugly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the results of the social status and 'rewards' from being a high class society being and denying anything that's jeopardizing my energetic enjoyments and not caring about the cost of it and the consequences of the enjoyments.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'energetically flurt' those that are having high esteem in society like doctors or high income beings and please them to obtain 'relationship' with them, like my mom reflects to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy 'energetic partying' in gossiping, pleasing and look for 'fun' in being energetic inside and go laugh 'madnessly' not realizing that i am sound expression and constant in nature.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as points and believing that i am those points not realizing that it's the points that cause separation and not realize as Mykey said: i am giving up nothing for everything.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of my mom's superiority expression and her financial control in illusion of 'power' that i am powerless, that it's fear that i have inside me and not self-directing myself that cause such fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest in defining myself as point/points, not realizing or acknowledge that i am oneness as equality in essence as all life as life here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom 'might' not re-open my internet connection after the discounted-promotion has ended and not self-directing, walk, Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and polarized for when the first chinese girl showing a bit interested in the materials, that i was 'excited and joy' not realizing i was moved by external separated events/beings and polaritized the good to manifest the bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of those separationish in china and fear i as that chinese girl might threaten by them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to throw my anger to anyone around in every opportunity to make myself comfortable and just use them as a 'punch bag' no matter what they said.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sleep in six hours for a week +/-

So, haven't been writing this blog for like a week now. well, the most obvious thing about my change is the sleeping pattern. i used to sleep a lot, you know those eight hours plus type and still not enough. even after sleeping for eight or night hours i felt more tired but i couldn't help but sleep more, just delve into it back in the times when i 'thought' energy exist and not realized that i am Life. you know, sort of like, like most people do, this is my one and only Life and i got like..projecting myself to have eighty years old before i die. ok, so sleeping. couple of days, or a week now, i realize that i don't sleep that much anymore. at first it was just 'seems' to be that way, because sometimes, i worked late(desteni stuffs) and for one or two days sleeping six or five hours only, my body still can handle it but not for three continuous days..that hasn't happened on me before and i didn't anticipate i can sleep and operate normally for six hours sleep only. so by looking at my last blog post, counting the days, it has been like over a week by here now. and i am still ok and this week or so more/less, worked to two/three am each day and get up..sometimes/usually at eight, this morning's nine so not particularly more than six hours. actually it is about five hours sleep, because i wake up and then stay in bed and being the four count breathe practice, sometimes will doze back for 20 basically it's five hours. for this week, i don't feel really lack of 'energy/strength' for the first couple of days, the heart is kind of having irregular beatings couple of times a day but that has settled down these two days. probably a systematic reaction.

I have tried to 'force/push' myself to sleep for six hours daily..and what happened is..i was ok for first two days? then at the third day maybe forth day at most. i became a frustration fire ball inside, totally an annoyed, frustrated, bad tempered expression that all i wanted to do was go to bad. governed by the 'concept of energy' while here now, it's totally different. i worked for hours and hours, over eight hours each day and for instance here now is one am, i have been through..working on transciping for twelve hours and i am still kind of 'stable/constant' and not particularly having a 'feeling of drop in energy, or irregular/faint in heart beat'..yawning was like..five/six each day..even when i am typing here now, i haven't yawn at all. staying in my four count breathe.

This didn't happen on me as a 'forced' way of doing it - deliberately. it was a i reached this stage and as i said couple of days later, i realized: 'hey, i am sleeping six hours only and there is no obvious dropped of energy', but for newcomers, i have been continuously doing the four count breathe..non-stopped for almost a year here now. just a little reminder, and i am working on breathing while talking..haven't noticed i was breathing when i am talking.

So, how it is liked for keep sleeping for six hours a day for a week? well, first, more 'time/moments' in doing stuffs. that's for sure of course, but when i experienced myself for having two hours extra each day, i almost like eight hours a week, and i become more productive. i transcribe one more video today..sort of like a little turbo mode, but not forcing/pushing myself involved, no high-blood pressure just Here/constant/steady and not 'governed by energy' so to speak. Like more clear, more pure, more in 'high tone' of beingness you know, in contrast of a 'heavy metal bass' low tone mode. More direct to myself, before was like covered by a blanket/a invisible 'low tone' sound cage and i was locked inside this unseen barrier but i can 'feel' somethings there like i wasn't function at totality.

Before, i was liked totally contributed my time on the transcription and i 'really' didn't have much time left even if i 'wanted' to go on or to work on something else, there is just not enough 'time' to do too many things. but this week, i have say..two hours each day to do my own bloggings/write some self-forgiveness on a word a day. Have been working as much as possible in keeping my word of a self-forgiveness on a word a day. you know, type some self-forgiveness. yea, also, by doing self-forgiveness together with breathing i presume, i lost like twenty-five pounds +/- in these three months and seems to keep going down. really amazing, haven't happen to me before - at all since i stepped into middle age period: my weight was getting worse/heavier couple of months continuously each year, was pretty scary, scary from a perspective of the situation that was developed not from a point of 'scare' of the weight gained, well, i presume that's a formed of scare too. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to scare of my weight, used starving my body to try go get rid of the cellulite inside my body and not realized it is a reflection to myself that it's pocket of thoughts or i am not self-directed or waiting for something to happen instead of apply myself into ways that i see as meaningful/worthy in my life here. starve myself aiming at reducing weight didn't actually work, it just..the systems i presume will suck..i felt something, at that moment i thought 'it was the body itself sucking itself' but i mean..that doesn't make sense right? i didn't see it that way. it was suffering, painful and like right after i 'starved' myself to reduced my weight to a certain amount of pounds, i go eat fervently again and it goes right straight back or sometimes even worse than before. i had to continuously eat less to keep it, but because at that moment i really didn't have any other ways to do it. here now, i eat almost like, close to double of what i used to eat before and my weight gone down and i anticipate it could go even further.

So, far, six or five hours sleep a day..for a week +/-. it cannot be stimulated(i didn't take drugs, i am vegetarian with eggs - seldomely, thank you for the food), it cannot be 'psychological'..psychological can't last for a week and keep going. i mean, let's use common sense here.. so, share with the findings here now, it's 1:42am here now, still no yawn in the writings. might share more in couple of weeks and see.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Breathe and time, Child feeling

Have been practicing with breathe for awhile. something quite interesting. i short of feeling what i was like when i was a child. i counter my breathe backward. the actions and are the same set of four count breathe but i sort of put the beingness or feeling of the 'change' reverse. i observe the breathe carefully and there is sort of a 'time' sequence in the breathe, that this time 'walk'/tick during my four count breathe. it's not the motions that is reversed but the beingness/the tick of the time/clock/reactions inside the breathe that is reversed. what i got is, i sort of go back to what i felt when i was a child, 'time' become very slow and i sort of become fast inside. when i look at the clock at the computer - it's like the long lost feeling of: has the time passed yet? how come i felt time's going so slow? it was feeling quite. you know, like when you breathe even in four count breathe, you feel there is a linear time continnuem connecting the whole breathing process, and it's this linear continnum that i 'sort of' reverse. whenever i feel it's 'going along time' i reverse the direction of what it did and it was fun. feel like, live or being in a vacum of time.

When playing with the breathe, i also played with infinity/enternity. currently not have much to say about it. i have only practice it for couple of hours. but, for example, when i at this moment treating infinity is inside my breathe..there are vastness of some sorts. sort of what i am breathing is infinity itself.

But Self-Honesty as far as i know is the key. because what i am inside manifest the events outward. not quite the opposite. However, the thing is whenever i have self-honest it sort of my like/become personal-honest/ego-honest. i become ignoring my environment, sort of ignoring anything but myself it normal? or should it be source-honest? push my self-honest inside my breathe and purify it? that's what i am considering.

Currently, really don't have much to say. but, it gives me the experience of breath really control/related to time. this time is how i experience myself inside illusion of time, which actually not real.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

True Self

Got a realization, when i was cooking dinner. the true self which imply the current 'self' is not true. well, it is. i mean, from what i realized so far, what the breath practice that i have been doing i can say yes, my current self was not 'a true self'. i don't know - yet what is this true self but i mean, it exists..why? because i exist at this moment, and it's a simple..common sense that it is not an external journey to 'look/search' for something, in nowdays' scientific way of perceiving as - don't know whether it exists or not(of course, in oneness and equality and we living in our inside as outside reflects what's within us..within this structure resonance as world/earth..then, nothing is non-existent would it? 'cause what exist inside us will manifest outside..kinda like, you 'wish' it you get it how could something you searching for do not exist? you search for ..a solution or something, that solution 'thing' is inside you already, you just don't know what it is yet..and inside will manifest outside in the place we are of one treat others they will experience how the others are treated, in the afterlife - in other words, the every moment we are sketching/drawing our afterlife..this picture/movie is inactive, stored 'inside' the things/people/beings(and thoughts too) those we treated, for ease of explanation, and we experience those in the afterlife.)

True self is..interesting. i got 'feelings' in my breathe. first, i am beginning to aware when my eyes's similar to when i was a child. the wonder of it is i can still operate, like at this moment..i m typing, staying in my breath, awareing the eye winks when it happens and listening..all at the same moment. before, they wink..but i was not aware of them..and my awareness increase too. i am becoming more aware - in a more awareness stage. what i do is..go deep inside me..and i know it's there..inside me ..just like Bruce Lee's video, just the core essence of myself the essence i said, since i am aware at this moment, i am self..then it must exist and in me. only an inward journey then as that true self operate. and things inside me becomes clear, quiet, a sense of a bit instantaneous. following the trace, and it makes common senses for when it will narrow down to self and life, as all life here. because, what is powering/operating for what i have realized so far would be life. what is the utmost core of myself? self..according to Desteni's materials this true self, because it's 'true' - self, so it will go beyond ego and mind consciousness system, simply because it's the very true of me as self.

Now here, some events has happened. Wei, is ..really. i anticipated there would be disagreements..|o|..but he's really mirror of myself that i need self-forgiveness. i am glad that i have see Shi's first interview again, just did the translation realizing emotions and feelings are just mathematical equated precision (summary). that, i don't quite get frustrated in fact, yesterday the afternoon was filled with people feeding their excitements for energetic hail for a barbecue gathering or something, you know shouting's july which i need to leave the window open. i used to be like maaaddd..frustrated, irritated..well, yesterday and when handling Wei i just didn't participate with my emotions, stayed with my breathing and staying - don't participate with my mathematic equations and it was pretty ok. i was quite calm and started do my work, or direct the situation with Wei.

Now some, analyze. to change myself so situation with wei should change accordingly. he's insist on his beliefs, going only his way not really consider other's options, judgment/criticize on me, enjoy debating and until convincing me endlessly, debate and live in logic instead of applying and doing it and then evaluate.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to insist and cling onto my belief, not willing to let go of my ego, protecting my ego and instead of consider everything equally as all life as much as i can and act/sacrifice for common good.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself not even a bit to live in principle living of oneness and equality - which we all experience it afterwards afterdeath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go only for my way and not really consider other's opinions as myself's opinions and evaluate them equally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy judging others and enjoy the energetic feeling/beingness of judging others in making my ego right and others as wrong instead of Here and stop the polarity game.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to defend my ego and deny when i was pointed out that i am living in my ego by others. trying to keep myself right and others are wrong.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy criticizing other hence imply that i am more superior than others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy worship superiority and specialness in separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate self-determination as competing with others and enjoy the feeling of win and observing others as lose.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy arguing with others and not until i convince them make them adopt my opinions and i feel the hail of winning and right for my ego.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy debate and live in knowledge and information only and not live the application of realization then evaluate it in oneness and equality based.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Symbols and Manifesto

The manifesto of Life for politics and religious..currently i can't see more points, i have limited experience in my world. i'm currently supported and can support others. but, yes, the point i just realize is how to 'manifest' the point of living, value of Life, expressing my views. that is something that i haven't concerned until this moment i am writing here now. i mean, yea, who am i? when i am currently a system that 'react' on cause and effects, want and desires based on past experience/current experiencing. but, i am Life and this Life is the source of us/self as Oneness and Equality. i mean, one should watch/see Desteni's Ed's Vlogs. he explains our current 'living in ignorance of our nature of oneness and equality'. i mean, for myself, i am curious about what it is like to be rich, s** and mastur***** things and i 'didn't see/constantly in aware of the part of 'pay back after Death - in constant beingness of how those that you're treating them = as the truth they are as yourself, it's in Ed's videos'. like, when i go to those rich "friends'" home, it's interesting to see different outlook of furnitures(well don't feel them Just see them)..but, that's all and there are emptyness afterward. not to mention the blood and tears that need to produce them, materials that need to be sacrifice(right now, i consider twice before even using a tape: do i need them as me/myself to do the job), principle based living instead of experienced living..i didn't realize until now here, have a deeper realization. what Bern said: ultimately, experience wouldn't matter cause everyone's experience will be one and as far as i realize, it's the Principle living - Here that change our core essence that would brought forward even afterdeath..i mean like to me, s** and master***** is a big issue to me, yes, but i was not self-centered, self-aiming at and was not oneness and equality based. i mean, i could have moment (so split of second) escatic energetic experience and having huge effects on desires, r*ping, chi** molesting..then awhile later i go for that again, having huge effects on through this way of unawareingly programing myself |o|, i stop before eventually changing into a s** criminal. does experienced living do any good to my core essence? no. i master-bait for over ten years, what did i found: emptyness, pursuit of more and more exciting stuffs, more and more 'automatically' unexpected arousal/as energetic flow, extreme slim by systems reboot/rejuvenate sucking essences from my body..i am so glad i manifest the found of Desteni at this moment before things get worse. the pubic i perceived as don't talk, don't discuss, suppress - i mean, parents, do children literally Stop just because of what you Put onto them? no, you were them, not long ago, of course..i mean look at our history - nobody really seems to realize/truly understand what it is, the effects and Consequences - it's just a lump of Protein that got ejected.

Symbols, Marduk talked about it but at that moment i didn't get it. i mean, most of the Reptilians' interviews, |o|...again, to me, like another Matrix movie. the key is given don't know what it's for. Bern said: symbols are like exe files. this all of a sudden make sense..and i was like accessing my words, writings through mind consciousness system, energetically, though patterned based, but haven't considered - Accessing it Symbolically. i mean, when accessing symbolically, it would be like, no 'energetic' movements or transport involved..but the words, patterns, symbols that matter and express the expression of me. because, the 'symbols' include me. it becomes an exe files that include fragments of me/as self in expressing. sort of i live and express in my words. how do i like the words to express do i like to arrange and put words into sentences to symbolically express me. maybe on a harmonica/sound level too, but i haven't realize that yet.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just look and concentrate on the seeable part of luxurious living styles: big house, mind consciousness systematic stimulated cars and MCS stimulating furnitures, fashions and lost and not realize how oneness and equality i/we are in nature and ignoring the blood, tears, sorrows, enslavements that are required to produce somewhere else in other part of the world i don't want to see/hear, laboring another one as myself and payback in after death.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in mind consciousness system pursuit of comfortability in experienced based living instead of principle based living, and apply Here in my breath that can bring forward after death.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in secrecy and holding secrets against my parents, that perceive i can't fight back because i accepted and allowed them and acknowledge they are in control of me and i can't 'fight' back..instead of directing the situation effectively - not in a fighting/opposing way.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in the emptyness of keep on pursuing an energetic based experience outflow from the s** system inside me based on 'pre-defined' mind valued photo images to arouse me, and never self-accepting self, self intimate with self, truly mastur**** but use it as a means to satisfied through as the systems and 'feel' the energetic shoot out inside me, not as an self-expression.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Walk my Breathe and Here == you're not Ever going Anywhere

Sunette has mentioned to me about "walking Here". have tried that for a day or..but then, got distracted to others ways of working things out. Here now, i am back on it this morning. what i found so far, through months of breathing practice, is i am getting more able to distinguish when i am in the mind consciousness mode and when i am Here. i am working on Discovering/Realizing the "wonders" of being Here, you know, me through as the programmatic mind perceive Here is a "boring" place to be.

Have read chief's elaboration on one of the members' Dream posts, he mentioned - presence of Self. Some of his words: "Process is Here, a walking as the Moment – Here, every Moment that is a Self-Realisation Here = thus, you’re not every going-anywhere = but simply to Realise = that you’re HERE."; "Presence (which would ‘resonate’ as the ‘experience’ of ‘calmness’)"..i found them very Insightful/makes me Realize, for instance - presence, i was looking up in the Dictionary for moments that i can find the Precise/Satisfied meaning for what "presence" means in chinese, i mean, i "know" what it is but i can't put it into words. same as Here, i didn't notice..although i did that most of the time, that i was "separating myself/project myself to 'go' somewhere/do something"..and as Chief's said: "'re Not Ever Going anywhere"..i didn't get what he means at first..after reading it couple of times..|o| Sunette's said to me: (plainly) reading the words are just Information and Knowledge..i presume current generally(including my past me)..people might not agree and keen on/worship on what they watch hence processed through their eyes and senses but/least with common senses. and problems to me is: when i'm "tired" after hours of work or when through and as my mind "started" to project myself into "thoughts".."projecting" what to "entertain" myself. |o|..chief's words Really rings my bell, realize that.."thus, you’re not every going-anywhere"..not physically but inside me - not projecting/"going" Anywhere but Here.

I tried to Realize/reasonlize what is Here?..or practically how to Achieve Here. Chief's words really open me - up..i haven't experienced/explore of "not ever going anywhere" inside me. will it be a "wonderland"? of course, that would be "curiosity"..caused by further realization obtained though. i mean, these "pointless" race of loops of thoughts..really like a DVD player that makes me 'looks' interesting..but it really "tired" me afterward. and when i staying in my four count breathe, even when i am continuously working on transcribing videos for hours..i wasn't as "tired" as before..i mean, like i used to just hanging around in the house..but i need to sleep for over nine hours still feeling not, now..eights hours? sometimes seven..i felt fully charged and ready for next day's works..less "sore/sourness" in the muscles too.

I mean, the more i studied/get involved into Desteni stuffs..the more i realize we are currently very limited to what we've realized on how things actually works. our body(medical/biology), physics..etc. and the more i realized that i was through and as the mind consciousness systematic pursuit of "desires" in the reality world - the more i realize we can't go on this current way - where Co-existence as All Existence as Self is "left out" of the equation of our Current daily lifes.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander/project myself into the past and the future through and as my mind, instead of realizing - "i am not ever going anywhere" as Here inside within me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive Here - as not ever going anywhere inside me is boring to live like that.

i forgive myself for not allowed myself to release myself and let my self out as the presence of self in every moment.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship my five senses, mostly what i see/watched through my eyes, technology as collective knowledge and information, and the game of research and worshiped my ego for the illusion of "superiority" over Existence, like animals for food, trees and nature..regardless of their suffering - simply because i can, i at this moment can do it onto them and they "can't do a thing to me" - currently.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not aware and realize that how i/we treat the Existence, as our environment as reality manifestations is actually how we treat Self as ourselves and "creating how i/we will be treated that way in the up coming days"

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship and enjoy thoughts as DVD playback of pictorial projections inside me through as the mind, instead of worshiping "i am not ever going anywhere inside of me"

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to left Co-existence of All existence and me as part of expressions in existence in expressing me as self - equally, because Oneness and Equality is my/our true nature.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Live in my Breathe

I found out last night that i was Breathing, but i wasn't living in my Breathe. i was living in my mind. that's what i realized when was watching the porn-animations. i was breathing all along for over 30years, but what i found was the more i grow up, the more i do not pay attention, take it for granted and not staying/living inside my breathe. i have tried live in the motion of Breathe in and out, as Bernard's said, it was interesting experience, but not long lasting/stable on me. this morning, i somehow breathe frequently forgot the two holding moments and the feeling of the 'old' consciousness came back. it wasn't a nice feeling, like i was riding on a horse again, just dashing forward/in a loop, not stable and not Here. like, that wasn't me and the real self me was trapped inside the mind/consciousness and the 'feeling' of becoming through and as the consciousness/mind is not a nice feeling, it was like aggressive, ego, fast - always pushing myself, 'want more'.

Was doing some Transcription works, re-watch/see the"the unification of man - as I am", which could be i am more Here then i first joint Desteni, i realize more from what it is saying. i mean, boy, when i first watch it and some videos that involve Deeper Self/Here realizations like the "Life as who i am" video, i was "what was this about?" yet, inside me, i "knew" he's talking about something interesting/meaningful yet, i haven't realized what it means yet. this time, after through all past months' translation/transcription works, i came back this time, with more realizations. also makes me try on - what if: i am/i(current me as self) is "I/I am(words/sound expression of "I" - whenever there's something refer or applicable as "I" - i am that and there)". it could sound confusing, but that's how i would put it/express as for how i realize so far. similar to Here, i would say with the Bubble theory article in explaining what is/why "Oneness" happen, together with the "First Molecule interview" things and why Oneness became clearer to me on why and what, in fact, is going on. Of course, i later realize Here is more "Appropriate".

Have setup the Desteni traditional Chinese channel, as/out of expected over 800+ people have watched the HOM 77 - Sex and Masturbation and others sex related have over 100, more/less. however, i thought it will bring them into the interest of other videos in the channel too, it wasn't going very well so far, yet, about 20 +/-. what is this showing me? what is this showing me what i have inside? what are these mirroring inside me? even the bruce lee videos, barely over 20 so far - while the HOM 77 double the views, each/in few days since channel opened.

Still have some energetic floats around the testicles area. when i was watching/seeing the porn-animations. well, something i found out was - what it described - the expressions/feelings portraits in those female characters are not true. it's just what a male construct would like that to happen that way, and i didn't see that. it doesn't work plainly on pictorial expressions, also with sound and tone and certain specific frequencies |o|, motions portrait - at least that's the way on me. and then, there is some 'feeling' like the one that Alli has described - when you 'see' someone in front of you/maybe while you talk with him/her, i have certain specific feelings that 'originate' inside me about that being in front of me. like that when i was watching the porn-animations, like it's not the external senses that 'arouse?' me but the 'resonance' originate from me in regarding to the Being/Animation character that's portraiting.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Lost in Breathe in Compare to Embracing Breathe

Saw Bernard's video yesterday, a member v-loging his Experience about how he practiced breathing inside his room and lost track of time and just stayed in his Breathe when he was a teenager, i presume it was like living out of the mind, he said he's so 'absorbed' into it that he Needed to recall Fear to make his mind works again to get out of it, he didn't recall/can tell exactly how long has he been liked that. i found it quite fascinating, besides when Bernard post something out, there's usually a Reference value in it. this member mentioned he was trying to get-lost of himself, well, we did that frequently, whether it's s**, dr**gs, alco**l or smoking - i see them as a form of momentary get lost of ourselves. so i went, ok, let me try get lost in my Breathe and see.

What i found is, it's not very bad but i did have thoughts - frequently. i did sort of dissolve into my breathe or feel Inside it, but thoughts flow out - frequently. i at this moment don't know is it supposed to be/or just me/what should be adjusted but the word Lost imply that i am not in control of it. so, i switch back to Embrace my breathe. this 'feeling/beingness' of Lost is i was not in Control so i didn't have the Control in the Lost process/duration - interesting.

Anything i just Realize is to give up thinking in every moment - Simplicity helps in this but in the past i have tried being Simplicity in every moment, it was nice, but become reactive when watching porns. hah, i just realize, maybe i should Also Simplified the Reactions like se**ual aroused through simplicity - push Simplicity a step further. how about Simplified the Energetic surges inside me, flowing around my balls these days?


Oh, so yea, was very Extreme/Due situation in Wisconsin. at that period was difficult and harsh - inside myself. we went to Chicago/somewhere i forgot, took some pictures, i didn't notice until i look at the pictures that my facial expressions was directly showing what i have inside - unhappy and confined self, full of it. Lost direct communication with my parents, can't talk - freely, you know, the version of what really happen on me here is not the Exactly what my guardians' version - i mean, even for my past me at that time, i wouldn't say/report something to someone that won't serve my personal-interest |o|. in what i see, is they are placing me sort of as an extra financial income. i mean, they have a 20year old corolla and a 10year old starlet, a month/two before i moved away - they sell the old corolla and bought a camery - that's is not a coincidence, i mean, if it's not the rent and fees that i paid assisting, would they buy that? i currently still see it that way.

so i told myself i need to get out of this. i wrote to my dad that i am moving no matter what, i even find a classmate's uncle who's also from hong kong that verbally said they are willing to be my guardian and i said i would find my own basement somewhere[for i am living in a basement for months already - they didn't care, just complaining me drank his wife's coke and play with her old PC in the basement, well, i was a teenager, curious about this world, about living, about tricky materialistic things, enjoy and curious about how come the coke tastes so rich in america than in hong kong. and i got no way out, only suppression and keep suppressing inside me, because i told myself according to the situation that i am in - i cannot express myself freely if i did, there will be cracks between me and my guardian's family and that will only jeopardize my staying here in usa or if not, relationships will get worse. so i sort of confined myself and silent on the outside, but the facial expression can't fake - for me no, i am not those that are willing to Suppress myself and trade for something in the reality world. i took double gym, i enjoyed shuffling snow 2 times a day, later i found out it's not because i enjoy it's i used them as an Exhaust to pipe my steams out]. my parents do not agreed on the moving out, i insisted.

I went to Texas to visit my aunt for couple of days/a week or so, i currently don't recall how long that was. Everyone in her family was nice to me and i was like - i would rather stay in this Hot place than go back to Wisconsin, that's how i felt when they took me back to the airport for returning. everything was so direct, opened and simplified for an 18year old kid. i didn't consider relationship or fending myself from people around my circle that much. so i told my parents that how about i stay with my aunt instead? they hesitated, and said that's not a good idea. i didn't see it back then, i mean, why put your son into friends' hand and not into your own sister's hand? i mean, i didn't get it. even when i recall it now, my family and relatives especially my father's side are totally beasts like personal-centered relationships and they just liked gossiping, exposing other relatives' words' spoken and transfer them to other relatives as a token of loyalty to you/hey, i am your friend - trust me thing, alliance. |o|, it was totally a mess.

This i only later know - detaily. my aunt couldn't see clearly, her eyes got white thing - veiling her sights. she came from mainland china and my father sort of took care of her together with one of her brothers too. my father had exert his anger to her - frequently/couple of times, scolding her as blinder. hurt her i presumes, so she's close with her brother, my father's ex-wife and my brother when he's a child. they are in close relationship - i mean, when ones have a common target, you formed close alliance - you get close to the 'others'. she went to america with her husband, well, how he went is another story. he lived in an orphanage and sort of have a of 'foster parents' in usa, i don't know if he knew or not him was rich. once he grown up, he used all sorts of means/ways to locate the address of his foster parent's address, and write to him, send him christmas cards, send him presents or so getting Related to him - make him fond of he. that's how he got connected and got his ticket to america. so she asked me a lot of things/more of 'questioning' why no one's taking care of 'their' mother[my granny] and why on their brother died, on his funeral our family wasn't there. i mean, i was never told of such things, i didn't know, i was only 18 - never've been dealing with 'Adults' who are like a walking battling fortress/countries indeed - faking on politics, smiles and relationships. i told her it's not that we don't took care of my granny, she didn't want us to help. |o|, i didn't know exactly why my granny is like that - but she enjoyed seeing/making her sons and daughters dueling on each other and only loyal to her, that's how i would put it, that's how i see her acts. ok, my aunt said she didn't buy that/believe what i said - this 'trial' didn't happen when i first visit them, i mean i would have 'consider' twice if that happened. she consider/take those words that she fond of - and she was so stubborn on herself, to an extent that - well she's not educated, she's secluded in her own world - because she can't see, she's always asking why she needs to suffer her sickness while others don't need to, she needs to pipe her suppression out - to someone. when i recall all these, i like to look for a silent place inside me simply to experience the silence.

i mean, when i watch the Desteni: First molecule interview, through translating it, i absorb more of what it's saying. make me, said, i mean what has we gone into what situation now? we are talking about through and as mind consciousness system. not even/haven't realized how the nature/the air that we breathe/being a molecule is already a form of enslaving other 'me[s]' as self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place others as a means of obtaining personal-centered interest in laboring others and obtaining money from them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself based on fear of the situation that i am in, not realizing i am causing the situation that way through what i have accepted and allowing/treated to other selfs in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy gossiping and judging others to make myself a superior role through judging them and hence in this life time, i experienced the effects of living being gossiped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy dueling with anyone as they are myself as self, that i am dueling me instead of work things out collebaratelly and lost into the perceived of manipualting others but manifested myself as being tricked and manipulated in the up coming days/this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve in hate, revenge and cunning as my granny showed me and being psycologically peverted and skysofrania while everything, every participants are me as self as all life - this is undeniable, yet, i tried to deceive myself through self-dishonesty to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be personal-centered, extreme stubborn to myself and only listen to people as selfs that i fond of or willing to listen, instead of the words that they speak out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame anything, anyone around me for the cause of my uncomfortability and unhappiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the government for corruptions, personal-interested and accepted that it's the way and no matter who gets into it, only momentary peace and comfortness will appear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve into lust and glamrous living style in usa and using relationships in whatever means for personal-interest and not truly means and start from a treating another 'self' way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other's advantage and afterward, throw these people/things away when they are not needed or broken, not considering these people and things/animals are me as self same as myself that we are one and equal here experiencing Life, at this moment on earth together here.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Merging myself with Breathe

Talked to Klevo today, pretty interesting guy. He took his life into his hands and manifested that way. he was doing ok and self-sustained, got some law suite things going on. Cameron was here, and quite some people in the chat room today. Bob came up late, same as before that i don't quite understand in what he typed. i have an impression that he has mis-interpreted the meaning of Self-honesty but i myself is not in position of saying because that would be judgment and he's me too. actually, everyone and everything is me but it's just i didn't accept/view it that way.

re-Watched the First molecule video, |o|, i mean, i found it interesting but also sad for how we ended up this way? i mean, we, mes everything - what went wrong? what will happen to 'us' all when everything is no bigger/smaller than Life but Life itself? some of the dimensioanl beings previewed that at the end - nothing will left... does it imply that we will just be Darkness and not more 'shaking'? will there be 'joy' or happiness? well, we don't know yet but i agree this has to Stop. the current situation is losing tracks. look at when i was a child, and look at what we are nowadays - it could be because i was a child back then but what i see is more competitions and people are not Living anymore - as before and more isolated. People live - simpler and comparative more joy inside than after the computer revolution. one thing as a relief is i realized we can't 'die', you can be 'wiped-clean' and have a fresh start though. i also find out another thing is continuous suffering is more painful than die - and we have came to a stage of, i mean watching the desteni interviews - how many beings 'projecting' death as 'their end'? Bernard asked: if you are alone and all you know is you can create everything, what would you create? i at first thought about ok - company, sex, a girl but these are all pre-defined - those are just experience that i observed from others that i would like to experience or beingness into, also Life, yea Life is something that most people are projecting and looking for. i mean what is creating? is when i am eating and i feel life/movement of life and feel esca**y at the same time's creation? under the balancing law, without touching polarity what creation would be like when every participants are considered.

The word that i am practicing Here is Merging. i found that i have tried all sorts of ways but not Merging. what merge means, it means allmagumate together. it means putting myself into and accept and allow the target and the target do the vice verse to me which is equally and oneness. hum, that's interesting - merging. because, either take/give/control/dominate/inferior/ego do not consider equality, even when submitting myself, to the Breathe for instance. Everything is originated and are the same me after all so not exactly as a worry of losing myself/having something mixed into me. will see how it goes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Life as all life Here and just personal centered interested.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness and joy according to my experience here on earth and fear of the boredome of when all life here is merged into oneness and equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve into competition and comfortable living style and dreamed of looking/change myself look like models - which are in some sense - only more developed walking sexual organs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy being worshiped as separation and being special while everyone everything is just me[s].

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just care about my living and ignore others and other things that need to suffer and contribute to my comfortable living and i pursued for more and more - not always with self first and all life considered.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to judge bob for being full of shits but he's just me and arranged for me to see i am full of shits inside.

I consider self first and all life equally as i can.
I live with self and self as all life.
I do not compete I co-operate with other me[s] as one.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Self was not Presented in whatever i do

Have chatted with Sunette. so far, every time/moments chatted with her[maybe with Bernard] does have insights that makes me more Here/clear of what is Inside me. Currently, i still need to re-read couple of times to see what the Realizations are which comes when i keep reading them. it was not a Concrete Detailed of what she has just said but more like a 'cloud'/feeling of something that have guidance and directions within. i also, have realized something is my - Self was not there in most of the things that i participate - like when i was driving, eating, blogging. of course a question will relatively pop out - who is doing all those then if that is not my - Self. let me put it this way - mySelf was presented but not directing. like, when i blog - it was myself through and as the mind that's moving my fingers and type - was there 'any bit' of Self as myself involved in that - rarely. the words, was myself there in the words or just robotic 'expressions'? i mean, mySelf was not directing my Life - i as myself through and as the mind was directing and minimizing myself inside. Here Now, i Expand myself in the Involvement of my Life. yes, Expanding my - Self and keep it Expands within my physical body. Not just feel inside through as the mind, as a 'observer/perceived myself as a director inside' be a director outside and expands keep expanding. it was like - people craved words onto Trees to leave a proof of their existence based on fear of death and lost saying 'i was here'. this idea/picture cause me to ponder - were they, was i when i was operating? were it their mind 'carving' and themselves just 'feeling and observing' through as their minds? and i was the same as them, when i was blogging for instance, i was typing but - mySelf was, even if was expressing, would be limited to a very low Degree and not directed by Self - directly. Same as when i scratch my face, was myself there when i was scratching? no, i as self wasn't. Embrace the Expanding of my-self within.

I also found out i 'deny the responsibilities' of what happened in this world - in existence. i use 'i don't wanted to Say something that i don't See myself as Really Responsible - through my eyes' and forgive myself just because of Fear. getting into Private Forum helps because i have closer/more direct contacts with Bernard and Sunette and they showed my 'things' that i wasn't cleared that i can 'experience' through Self, i mean, as i talked to Bob yesterday/day before, as long as Reasons/Logic used as a tool try to prove something - there are always room for Doubts - no matter whether i see by my own eyes/even personally experienced it - i would doubt it through time/moments later. so it is not the way, i am turning to Self - like the separation, even through the Translation Process - there are still points that i wasn't cleared and i was not satisfied with - just take it that way - or stopped at that level.

When Expanding myself/like in the past when doing with self-honesty i became, personal - centered and not considering everything around me as me become wild/rude. is this my-self? or the one that i was 'considering' was plainly based on Fear of my Future Reincarnation which was not what i truly was? or should it be Oneness and Equality as self that i should Expand instead? Expanding self as the Physical?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust reasons and logic and give room for doubts instead of trusting my-self as self to apply and common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny the responsibilities of creating the manifestations of what exist in this world/existence and deny my-self's responsibilities as well as denying my power to stop it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of doing self-forgiveness so that i can leave a back door of doing what i did before and not really change myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of listening to Bernard and the Portal as Sunette's speech and tried to hide myself into my old self and not facing myself and being honest to myself and change me as self.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself through and as myself as self instead yielding/abdicate myself to reasons/mind/thoughts and not standing up from within and expand and change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of death - which is a personality bubble suite and fear of lost both based on separation while the true nature of myself is oneness in equality as all life as Here - the truth part of Self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self as personal interested - through and as mind self not realizing Self is the oneness and equality and this is the true part of Self that Self is.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself to suppress myself to consider everything only based on fear of my future reincarnation.