Friday, March 27, 2009

i wasn't Self-Trusting myself and Applying Unconditionally

Talked to Luc today, he gave me some insights about Honestly Expressing Unconditionally, and don't think. when i was watching LeMiserable the animation with mom, walking around the family room i realized i haven't allow myself to unconditionally apply in my process, in Self-Forgiveness or being Self-Honest. he also pointed out i asked too much(and yes, i was still 'want' to and believing knowing is the first step to achieving something). knowledge and information. sometimes, i just appreciate these talkings with Private Forum members that do make me realize something. or, maybe they are clearly in an observetive position of looking at how i am doing, like when i am observing others/them.

It could take some practic e for not thinking, what i mean is, currently like fixing the lawn mower, i still need to observe, still need to look and consult/consider in the diagrams. i keep staying in my breathe as much as possible. what i am doing is Unconditionally Embrace Darkness, Embrace Here, Apply Self-Forgiveness and Writting, stay in my Breathe and let myself flow out(this was the long lost feeling when i was writting/compositing in my high school years). when i writting in high school i feel this comfortability of writting, when i write (i didn't know living words), i feel comfortable, i use comfortability as a guide for what to write. and the more i write, i enter a stage of forgetting myself, of just flowing myself out through the pen to the words on the paper. i don't know if this is living words - you are one and equal to the words. it was definitelly(as far as i can recall) not prepared at all. i just wrote whatever comes up in the moment, however(maybe it's the white ilght's preprogrammed diversion) , i use emotion(almost always, aiming at bring the buttefly/comfortable feeling out) as a guide to the words that i will write(sometimes, copying words formats from fiction storie books that mom bought for us to read). i reinstate that it was just my Experience, and not necessary == to what living words mean.

As for why i didn't Self-Trusting myself(eg. my core essence's judgments/common sense on things from Desteni) is (i am not sure if it's misunderstand) i misrepresent unconditionally as you could go wrong and crazy like jumping off the cliff someday. it is like if i dont' unconditionally/hysterically go on my process i still have chance if i made a mistake(self-doubt). i just realize tonight i have already have all sorts of thoughts about harming myself/harming animals/whatever image stimulate me, either thoughts of hurting myself/hurting others(eg. a pigeons that staying on a roof, and the thought of bursting it with a shot gun like |o| will flash through) this definitelly not the core essence that i would like to accompany to. my situation is already like that and my Self-Forgiveness is not working effectivelly, what else would i lose if i keep going on like this/if i don't start applying unconditionally. unconditionally could change. and it is also about how much i trust my own Core Essence in Evaluating the whole thing from Desteni.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally embracing darkness, applying self-honesty and self-forgiveness in my process.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self-trust myself/my core essence in viewing my process/desteni's materials.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to higly value knowledge and information from Desteni and treat it as interesting and stop from there, not applying it unconditionally in my process.

i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship thinking, instead of constantly here in my breathe, as the only way to solve my problems in reality.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally participate in my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to totally/unconditionally self-trusting myself/my core essence and give room for self-doubt.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally self-forgive myself, relfected in my thoughts, that i enjoy brutal bloody scenes like in the movies, that i enjoy destroy/explosion scene.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Exhausted from trying to fix the LawnMower n Views on masturbation

Have do lots of research on the web about fixing the lawn mower. i am working on fixing the LawnMow. so i can lawn the garden myself. the problem is we left(by doing some research on the web) the gas inside for the winter seasons and the gas evaporates and become Guming the carburetor, blocking the flow of gas. i got impatiened and tired after working for hours under pressure. i am not familiar to the mechanics and we lack even the socket sets to open the cab. even with the proper tools, all the springs, strings and bolts holding the cab. is difficult to disassemble. the guys on the web(eg. utube) skips some steps and i can't find anyfurther information, like a step by step guide with photots/videos, on the web. by chances, a gardener came to our place to access how much for replacing our backward with ground tiles(bricks) and a flowering bed plus removing a tree. i decribed the casue of the problem. he called his mechanic said will take it for us and cost 30 bucks to fix it. |o|, he's a christian and mom said he looks like a reliable/quite honest person. persoanlly, i wouldn't Prefer putting too much into it. we would get less oxygen/fresh air out from the lawn, although it is full of moss now. it could cost (and forseeably) over 2000 dollars. mom suggest maybe just do the flower bed for plantting flowers/beans. that's a compromised/acceptable solution to me.

When i talked to mom about there is lower price socket set and wanted to buy one, she use irritated tone on saying we have bought too many tools and since my brother has one we can borrow it from him and buy only when it really needed(she's those house wifes that will spend time and efforts to find better apples/more in a bunch of green onions. little house wifes types but would not choose/inquire throughly when buy a airline ticke. i always tell her save the efforts for efficientcy and effectiveness and you have missed the big picture). when i was tired and with how to fix the lawn mower in my head, i got irritated and impatience. however, this time, i keep being aware. i didn't yeild to my angry. the energy still surged inside me, but i tried to keep breathing. well, the amplitude was less and a bit more stable. i just told her it's sometimes wasting my breathe in talking/explaining to her - calmly. later on, i did explain why i want to buy it. we don't have it, i could take days - even after we have the tools to open the cab., borrowing it from my brother will give credits to him(my english has limited vocabulary) and affecting her decisions on dealing with the money borrowing issue. for the handling of all this, i tried to handle the situation from Principled based instead of Experienced based. experienced based was i abdicated myself and i don't want to feel Supressed of my own Emotions and Exert on "emotion causer" and that i reminded myself is not solving and only make it worse. working on Dealing with the problem is what counts.

Still having difficulties on Clearing/Stopping myself of having thoughts in harming my body. like, whenever stimulated(by feelings on my hands/body, by watching actions on TV.. etc.), thoughts will flow up in my head/mind eg. like putting my face on the hot iron when i was cooking the meals/ having sharp objects protrude my eyes. |o| .. i don't know i have become something like these inside, and i sometimes said delete(like what jozinn told me) and sometimes i went inside the room and speak auidiable SF try to clear them/myself. i am living with my mom, and besides, it is currently difficult for me to speak SF out loud (cameron said he wrote them down and speak them out loud, i am doing that not very loud but loud saturday when mom usually go to her church). this is definitelly not what i like myself to me(just like masterbation, it turned myself/us into something we are not even noticed how we become that - luckly i found Desteni before i turned into further a monster based on pictures and sound. sometimes, i do ask myself, can i totally give up on feeling of orgasim. it's about control, it's about charing UCF but the process/working towards orgasim - the split of second of excitement felt good. |o|. i try to reason myself when i was small i totally treat and don't have the urge for desire of orgasim and i was fine. it's better now, they removed the Life Essence so no left over of LE in the pelvic area, in the past, when i came back from a whole day work, i must "discharged" myself. am i pursuiting the prolong of orgaism/ the peace of getting rid of desire for orgaism. by my past history, when i have stopped myself from "MasterBuating" for a long period(6~7 months at most bf i got in touched with Desteni materials, now i halted myself now), then i am curious i want to experience(i would say i am do not have the feeling of Urge to need it) it and i told myself then, it is no harm for me to try some rounds, and that's the beginning of my fall again. until, it became mechanical and you find all sorts of ways to Stimulate your mind for the split of second of excitement again, again and again. more, more and more to the Addiction.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself Always living in Here and Principle based instead i yield myself to Experience based and reflect my exhaust and frustration on exerting the emotion to them.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotional and irritated when i was concentrated working.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed and impatiened when i feel tired.

Monday, March 23, 2009

My brother and his wife

my brother called today and talked to mom about lending money from her to buy a house for his family. he has a 1 and 1/2 yrs old daughter already, and he said he was planning to have another (wanted to have a baby boy, wanted to further secure herself if the marrige/relationship goes wrong, maybe). we told him, it is not easy as raising a child costs lots of money, time and effort, he just (coldly) reply that's the Way of life. my brother has developed attitudes of like ejoyments, drinking(before), smoking(i used myself as an example to quit to show him and he quit), driving sports car. his personality to me (except when he was maybe bf. 7 yrs old, when he was real small he was pure) is stereo type of Aggresive, self-interested, self-enjoyment and what's in the Family he got his name of share. to an extent that eg. would be even he used the hosue as a business(he's a barbarer) place to earn money, all the expanses(electricty, water u know the business nature consumes a lot) was paid as family expanses which is by mom and he has never paid a peeny to my mom. it was his Rightous Claim of Profit because he share the same family name - and he is Rightously entitled to those cliams, unlucky dude(mom and dad). that's how i see him from my observation and living with him for all years.

and now, the situation get worse when he married and now the factors including all bunch of people from my sister in law's family(yeah, he's currently living in their house, that's one of the reason for buying a new house, to withdraw their portion of money out). i wasn't aware that how we treated others in our(my) past lives sums up into the Current Life that we are living at - which i presume what he's doing now Was what i did/mom did(we are experiencing what we accepted and allowed in the past/still currently) |o|. i knew nothing and hated him for being so selfish and just exploiting anyone around him as much as he can. we had quarrels and me and mom (this was a long story, including his pleasing of his customers and driving mom mad) told him to shut his business, his answer is you allowed my back then, you can't just shut me down and i need to go on(because of profit |o|).

so, he is asking mom to act as an guaranteer for his loan. i told mom, why house? if you don't have enough money then buy an apartment/town house. but no, he doen't even answer your questions. to what i observe is he and his wife's probing mom advancing step by step. it's not much that i can do/give advice on. one thing mom worry is his wife could sell the house after it is bought and withdraw the money for other uses, similar to what her family is planning to do now. currently, in this shaking world(for this is only the beginning, when Darryl mentioned something financially is gonna happen in Sep. last year, i didn't anticipate it would be engulfing all over the world - the rayman brothers incident. how can we sustain when further waves are on their way), i can only pursuit/aim at maintaining my basic living and give my tiny support to Desteni. it could take 28yrs to stablize the new money system. until then, i see what i can do for EQUALLY. i do not have money to support guys in SA, i can currently only giving my effort in translating, bit by bit. i heard some of them take loans there. but, to support OneNess and Equally - it is the act that counts not the thinking of doing it, and Desteni is the candle light that we/everyone involved should protect and make it prosper.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-interest, only care for my own enjoyments, brutually ignore others' that i am consuming/taking from so i am living in it now.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as cunning in exploiting others around me in supporting/supplying my self-interest enjoyments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plotting for take others posessions into as my own.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exploit others around me as much as i can to support my self-interest.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Using anger as an excuse to exert on my mom

Have just exerted my anger inside on my mom. it was about the GPS that's gone out of battery. when i found it out, i felt worry about the points that are stored inside. the energetic surge of angry(because she's not following the instructions and cause this) rise inside me. i wanted to tell her the proper way and not intentionally blaming her but i told her about the situation impatiently. and it's like you throwing a ball to a wall, she fights back impatiently. even after i ignored her, she keeps using it as an excuse to exert her anger on me. she never confess that she's wrong and inside her, in what i see, she always hold on her ego and is always right. i don't know when my life will change / maybe my Self-Forgiveness isn't effective. but i have changed inside, type SF, read it out loud(to an extent aiming at bursting the crystals inside, imagining of course, i can't see/feel the memory crystals). for eg., what is it relecting to me when she cling on to christianality and shocked/worried/scared Desteni as a cult/demon possed case. i am currently not like that, it is sometimes difficult to accept everything around you/us are caused by ourselves and they are just reflecting back to show us. i read articles said children are doing crazy things because they are here to show us we are crazy. then, am i relfecting/showing what other people within also? would i act differently according to different people around me in different time and place?

have talked to cameron about breathing technique. he gets a bit impatience when i try to reinstate what i have realized so far. we were both hanging on to our opinions and trying to convice the others. at least that is what i see. again, currently what i have realized is he is also showing me want to convice other that what i realized is correct.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as an expression of slow and stay in my breathe when angry rise in me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert my anger which has nothing to do with the events that cause me angry but treating it is my right to exert my anger/inconvenience/worry on my mom because she deserves it - she is the cause of it.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use the expression of slowing down - fully and stay in my breathe to solve the problems, instead i behaviourly get annoyed and throw the annoyance feeling away from me to her.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to enjoy convincing other people that i am correct/right and do not like to accept that i can be wrong.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fight back from eye to an eye principle and i enjoyed the retaliate once offended.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling on/protect my mind and not eager to change and act to fit oneness and equally.