Friday, March 27, 2009

i wasn't Self-Trusting myself and Applying Unconditionally

Talked to Luc today, he gave me some insights about Honestly Expressing Unconditionally, and don't think. when i was watching LeMiserable the animation with mom, walking around the family room i realized i haven't allow myself to unconditionally apply in my process, in Self-Forgiveness or being Self-Honest. he also pointed out i asked too much(and yes, i was still 'want' to and believing knowing is the first step to achieving something). knowledge and information. sometimes, i just appreciate these talkings with Private Forum members that do make me realize something. or, maybe they are clearly in an observetive position of looking at how i am doing, like when i am observing others/them.

It could take some practic e for not thinking, what i mean is, currently like fixing the lawn mower, i still need to observe, still need to look and consult/consider in the diagrams. i keep staying in my breathe as much as possible. what i am doing is Unconditionally Embrace Darkness, Embrace Here, Apply Self-Forgiveness and Writting, stay in my Breathe and let myself flow out(this was the long lost feeling when i was writting/compositing in my high school years). when i writting in high school i feel this comfortability of writting, when i write (i didn't know living words), i feel comfortable, i use comfortability as a guide for what to write. and the more i write, i enter a stage of forgetting myself, of just flowing myself out through the pen to the words on the paper. i don't know if this is living words - you are one and equal to the words. it was definitelly(as far as i can recall) not prepared at all. i just wrote whatever comes up in the moment, however(maybe it's the white ilght's preprogrammed diversion) , i use emotion(almost always, aiming at bring the buttefly/comfortable feeling out) as a guide to the words that i will write(sometimes, copying words formats from fiction storie books that mom bought for us to read). i reinstate that it was just my Experience, and not necessary == to what living words mean.

As for why i didn't Self-Trusting myself(eg. my core essence's judgments/common sense on things from Desteni) is (i am not sure if it's misunderstand) i misrepresent unconditionally as you could go wrong and crazy like jumping off the cliff someday. it is like if i dont' unconditionally/hysterically go on my process i still have chance if i made a mistake(self-doubt). i just realize tonight i have already have all sorts of thoughts about harming myself/harming animals/whatever image stimulate me, either thoughts of hurting myself/hurting others(eg. a pigeons that staying on a roof, and the thought of bursting it with a shot gun like |o| will flash through) this definitelly not the core essence that i would like to accompany to. my situation is already like that and my Self-Forgiveness is not working effectivelly, what else would i lose if i keep going on like this/if i don't start applying unconditionally. unconditionally could change. and it is also about how much i trust my own Core Essence in Evaluating the whole thing from Desteni.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally embracing darkness, applying self-honesty and self-forgiveness in my process.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self-trust myself/my core essence in viewing my process/desteni's materials.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to higly value knowledge and information from Desteni and treat it as interesting and stop from there, not applying it unconditionally in my process.

i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship thinking, instead of constantly here in my breathe, as the only way to solve my problems in reality.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally participate in my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to totally/unconditionally self-trusting myself/my core essence and give room for self-doubt.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally self-forgive myself, relfected in my thoughts, that i enjoy brutal bloody scenes like in the movies, that i enjoy destroy/explosion scene.

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