Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sleep in six hours for a week +/-

So, haven't been writing this blog for like a week now. well, the most obvious thing about my change is the sleeping pattern. i used to sleep a lot, you know those eight hours plus type and still not enough. even after sleeping for eight or night hours i felt more tired but i couldn't help but sleep more, just delve into it back in the times when i 'thought' energy exist and not realized that i am Life. you know, sort of like, like most people do, this is my one and only Life and i got like..projecting myself to have eighty years old before i die. ok, so sleeping. couple of days, or a week now, i realize that i don't sleep that much anymore. at first it was just 'seems' to be that way, because sometimes, i worked late(desteni stuffs) and for one or two days sleeping six or five hours only, my body still can handle it but not for three continuous days..that hasn't happened on me before and i didn't anticipate i can sleep and operate normally for six hours sleep only. so by looking at my last blog post, counting the days, it has been like over a week by here now. and i am still ok and this week or so more/less, worked to two/three am each day and get up..sometimes/usually at eight, this morning's nine so not particularly more than six hours. actually it is about five hours sleep, because i wake up and then stay in bed and being the four count breathe practice, sometimes will doze back for 20 basically it's five hours. for this week, i don't feel really lack of 'energy/strength' for the first couple of days, the heart is kind of having irregular beatings couple of times a day but that has settled down these two days. probably a systematic reaction.

I have tried to 'force/push' myself to sleep for six hours daily..and what happened is..i was ok for first two days? then at the third day maybe forth day at most. i became a frustration fire ball inside, totally an annoyed, frustrated, bad tempered expression that all i wanted to do was go to bad. governed by the 'concept of energy' while here now, it's totally different. i worked for hours and hours, over eight hours each day and for instance here now is one am, i have been through..working on transciping for twelve hours and i am still kind of 'stable/constant' and not particularly having a 'feeling of drop in energy, or irregular/faint in heart beat'..yawning was like..five/six each day..even when i am typing here now, i haven't yawn at all. staying in my four count breathe.

This didn't happen on me as a 'forced' way of doing it - deliberately. it was a i reached this stage and as i said couple of days later, i realized: 'hey, i am sleeping six hours only and there is no obvious dropped of energy', but for newcomers, i have been continuously doing the four count breathe..non-stopped for almost a year here now. just a little reminder, and i am working on breathing while talking..haven't noticed i was breathing when i am talking.

So, how it is liked for keep sleeping for six hours a day for a week? well, first, more 'time/moments' in doing stuffs. that's for sure of course, but when i experienced myself for having two hours extra each day, i almost like eight hours a week, and i become more productive. i transcribe one more video today..sort of like a little turbo mode, but not forcing/pushing myself involved, no high-blood pressure just Here/constant/steady and not 'governed by energy' so to speak. Like more clear, more pure, more in 'high tone' of beingness you know, in contrast of a 'heavy metal bass' low tone mode. More direct to myself, before was like covered by a blanket/a invisible 'low tone' sound cage and i was locked inside this unseen barrier but i can 'feel' somethings there like i wasn't function at totality.

Before, i was liked totally contributed my time on the transcription and i 'really' didn't have much time left even if i 'wanted' to go on or to work on something else, there is just not enough 'time' to do too many things. but this week, i have say..two hours each day to do my own bloggings/write some self-forgiveness on a word a day. Have been working as much as possible in keeping my word of a self-forgiveness on a word a day. you know, type some self-forgiveness. yea, also, by doing self-forgiveness together with breathing i presume, i lost like twenty-five pounds +/- in these three months and seems to keep going down. really amazing, haven't happen to me before - at all since i stepped into middle age period: my weight was getting worse/heavier couple of months continuously each year, was pretty scary, scary from a perspective of the situation that was developed not from a point of 'scare' of the weight gained, well, i presume that's a formed of scare too. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to scare of my weight, used starving my body to try go get rid of the cellulite inside my body and not realized it is a reflection to myself that it's pocket of thoughts or i am not self-directed or waiting for something to happen instead of apply myself into ways that i see as meaningful/worthy in my life here. starve myself aiming at reducing weight didn't actually work, it just..the systems i presume will suck..i felt something, at that moment i thought 'it was the body itself sucking itself' but i mean..that doesn't make sense right? i didn't see it that way. it was suffering, painful and like right after i 'starved' myself to reduced my weight to a certain amount of pounds, i go eat fervently again and it goes right straight back or sometimes even worse than before. i had to continuously eat less to keep it, but because at that moment i really didn't have any other ways to do it. here now, i eat almost like, close to double of what i used to eat before and my weight gone down and i anticipate it could go even further.

So, far, six or five hours sleep a day..for a week +/-. it cannot be stimulated(i didn't take drugs, i am vegetarian with eggs - seldomely, thank you for the food), it cannot be 'psychological'..psychological can't last for a week and keep going. i mean, let's use common sense here.. so, share with the findings here now, it's 1:42am here now, still no yawn in the writings. might share more in couple of weeks and see.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Breathe and time, Child feeling

Have been practicing with breathe for awhile. something quite interesting. i short of feeling what i was like when i was a child. i counter my breathe backward. the actions and are the same set of four count breathe but i sort of put the beingness or feeling of the 'change' reverse. i observe the breathe carefully and there is sort of a 'time' sequence in the breathe, that this time 'walk'/tick during my four count breathe. it's not the motions that is reversed but the beingness/the tick of the time/clock/reactions inside the breathe that is reversed. what i got is, i sort of go back to what i felt when i was a child, 'time' become very slow and i sort of become fast inside. when i look at the clock at the computer - it's like the long lost feeling of: has the time passed yet? how come i felt time's going so slow? it was feeling quite. you know, like when you breathe even in four count breathe, you feel there is a linear time continnuem connecting the whole breathing process, and it's this linear continnum that i 'sort of' reverse. whenever i feel it's 'going along time' i reverse the direction of what it did and it was fun. feel like, live or being in a vacum of time.

When playing with the breathe, i also played with infinity/enternity. currently not have much to say about it. i have only practice it for couple of hours. but, for example, when i at this moment treating infinity is inside my breathe..there are vastness of some sorts. sort of what i am breathing is infinity itself.

But Self-Honesty as far as i know is the key. because what i am inside manifest the events outward. not quite the opposite. However, the thing is whenever i have self-honest it sort of my like/become personal-honest/ego-honest. i become ignoring my environment, sort of ignoring anything but myself it normal? or should it be source-honest? push my self-honest inside my breathe and purify it? that's what i am considering.

Currently, really don't have much to say. but, it gives me the experience of breath really control/related to time. this time is how i experience myself inside illusion of time, which actually not real.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

True Self

Got a realization, when i was cooking dinner. the true self which imply the current 'self' is not true. well, it is. i mean, from what i realized so far, what the breath practice that i have been doing i can say yes, my current self was not 'a true self'. i don't know - yet what is this true self but i mean, it exists..why? because i exist at this moment, and it's a simple..common sense that it is not an external journey to 'look/search' for something, in nowdays' scientific way of perceiving as - don't know whether it exists or not(of course, in oneness and equality and we living in our inside as outside reflects what's within us..within this structure resonance as world/earth..then, nothing is non-existent would it? 'cause what exist inside us will manifest outside..kinda like, you 'wish' it you get it how could something you searching for do not exist? you search for ..a solution or something, that solution 'thing' is inside you already, you just don't know what it is yet..and inside will manifest outside in the place we are of one treat others they will experience how the others are treated, in the afterlife - in other words, the every moment we are sketching/drawing our afterlife..this picture/movie is inactive, stored 'inside' the things/people/beings(and thoughts too) those we treated, for ease of explanation, and we experience those in the afterlife.)

True self is..interesting. i got 'feelings' in my breathe. first, i am beginning to aware when my eyes's similar to when i was a child. the wonder of it is i can still operate, like at this moment..i m typing, staying in my breath, awareing the eye winks when it happens and listening..all at the same moment. before, they wink..but i was not aware of them..and my awareness increase too. i am becoming more aware - in a more awareness stage. what i do is..go deep inside me..and i know it's there..inside me ..just like Bruce Lee's video, just the core essence of myself the essence i said, since i am aware at this moment, i am self..then it must exist and in me. only an inward journey then as that true self operate. and things inside me becomes clear, quiet, a sense of a bit instantaneous. following the trace, and it makes common senses for when it will narrow down to self and life, as all life here. because, what is powering/operating for what i have realized so far would be life. what is the utmost core of myself? self..according to Desteni's materials this true self, because it's 'true' - self, so it will go beyond ego and mind consciousness system, simply because it's the very true of me as self.

Now here, some events has happened. Wei, is ..really. i anticipated there would be disagreements..|o|..but he's really mirror of myself that i need self-forgiveness. i am glad that i have see Shi's first interview again, just did the translation realizing emotions and feelings are just mathematical equated precision (summary). that, i don't quite get frustrated in fact, yesterday the afternoon was filled with people feeding their excitements for energetic hail for a barbecue gathering or something, you know shouting's july which i need to leave the window open. i used to be like maaaddd..frustrated, irritated..well, yesterday and when handling Wei i just didn't participate with my emotions, stayed with my breathing and staying - don't participate with my mathematic equations and it was pretty ok. i was quite calm and started do my work, or direct the situation with Wei.

Now some, analyze. to change myself so situation with wei should change accordingly. he's insist on his beliefs, going only his way not really consider other's options, judgment/criticize on me, enjoy debating and until convincing me endlessly, debate and live in logic instead of applying and doing it and then evaluate.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to insist and cling onto my belief, not willing to let go of my ego, protecting my ego and instead of consider everything equally as all life as much as i can and act/sacrifice for common good.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself not even a bit to live in principle living of oneness and equality - which we all experience it afterwards afterdeath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go only for my way and not really consider other's opinions as myself's opinions and evaluate them equally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy judging others and enjoy the energetic feeling/beingness of judging others in making my ego right and others as wrong instead of Here and stop the polarity game.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to defend my ego and deny when i was pointed out that i am living in my ego by others. trying to keep myself right and others are wrong.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy criticizing other hence imply that i am more superior than others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy worship superiority and specialness in separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate self-determination as competing with others and enjoy the feeling of win and observing others as lose.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy arguing with others and not until i convince them make them adopt my opinions and i feel the hail of winning and right for my ego.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy debate and live in knowledge and information only and not live the application of realization then evaluate it in oneness and equality based.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Symbols and Manifesto

The manifesto of Life for politics and religious..currently i can't see more points, i have limited experience in my world. i'm currently supported and can support others. but, yes, the point i just realize is how to 'manifest' the point of living, value of Life, expressing my views. that is something that i haven't concerned until this moment i am writing here now. i mean, yea, who am i? when i am currently a system that 'react' on cause and effects, want and desires based on past experience/current experiencing. but, i am Life and this Life is the source of us/self as Oneness and Equality. i mean, one should watch/see Desteni's Ed's Vlogs. he explains our current 'living in ignorance of our nature of oneness and equality'. i mean, for myself, i am curious about what it is like to be rich, s** and mastur***** things and i 'didn't see/constantly in aware of the part of 'pay back after Death - in constant beingness of how those that you're treating them = as the truth they are as yourself, it's in Ed's videos'. like, when i go to those rich "friends'" home, it's interesting to see different outlook of furnitures(well don't feel them Just see them)..but, that's all and there are emptyness afterward. not to mention the blood and tears that need to produce them, materials that need to be sacrifice(right now, i consider twice before even using a tape: do i need them as me/myself to do the job), principle based living instead of experienced living..i didn't realize until now here, have a deeper realization. what Bern said: ultimately, experience wouldn't matter cause everyone's experience will be one and as far as i realize, it's the Principle living - Here that change our core essence that would brought forward even afterdeath..i mean like to me, s** and master***** is a big issue to me, yes, but i was not self-centered, self-aiming at and was not oneness and equality based. i mean, i could have moment (so split of second) escatic energetic experience and having huge effects on desires, r*ping, chi** molesting..then awhile later i go for that again, having huge effects on through this way of unawareingly programing myself |o|, i stop before eventually changing into a s** criminal. does experienced living do any good to my core essence? no. i master-bait for over ten years, what did i found: emptyness, pursuit of more and more exciting stuffs, more and more 'automatically' unexpected arousal/as energetic flow, extreme slim by systems reboot/rejuvenate sucking essences from my body..i am so glad i manifest the found of Desteni at this moment before things get worse. the pubic i perceived as don't talk, don't discuss, suppress - i mean, parents, do children literally Stop just because of what you Put onto them? no, you were them, not long ago, of course..i mean look at our history - nobody really seems to realize/truly understand what it is, the effects and Consequences - it's just a lump of Protein that got ejected.

Symbols, Marduk talked about it but at that moment i didn't get it. i mean, most of the Reptilians' interviews, |o|...again, to me, like another Matrix movie. the key is given don't know what it's for. Bern said: symbols are like exe files. this all of a sudden make sense..and i was like accessing my words, writings through mind consciousness system, energetically, though patterned based, but haven't considered - Accessing it Symbolically. i mean, when accessing symbolically, it would be like, no 'energetic' movements or transport involved..but the words, patterns, symbols that matter and express the expression of me. because, the 'symbols' include me. it becomes an exe files that include fragments of me/as self in expressing. sort of i live and express in my words. how do i like the words to express do i like to arrange and put words into sentences to symbolically express me. maybe on a harmonica/sound level too, but i haven't realize that yet.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just look and concentrate on the seeable part of luxurious living styles: big house, mind consciousness systematic stimulated cars and MCS stimulating furnitures, fashions and lost and not realize how oneness and equality i/we are in nature and ignoring the blood, tears, sorrows, enslavements that are required to produce somewhere else in other part of the world i don't want to see/hear, laboring another one as myself and payback in after death.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in mind consciousness system pursuit of comfortability in experienced based living instead of principle based living, and apply Here in my breath that can bring forward after death.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in secrecy and holding secrets against my parents, that perceive i can't fight back because i accepted and allowed them and acknowledge they are in control of me and i can't 'fight' back..instead of directing the situation effectively - not in a fighting/opposing way.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in the emptyness of keep on pursuing an energetic based experience outflow from the s** system inside me based on 'pre-defined' mind valued photo images to arouse me, and never self-accepting self, self intimate with self, truly mastur**** but use it as a means to satisfied through as the systems and 'feel' the energetic shoot out inside me, not as an self-expression.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Walk my Breathe and Here == you're not Ever going Anywhere

Sunette has mentioned to me about "walking Here". have tried that for a day or..but then, got distracted to others ways of working things out. Here now, i am back on it this morning. what i found so far, through months of breathing practice, is i am getting more able to distinguish when i am in the mind consciousness mode and when i am Here. i am working on Discovering/Realizing the "wonders" of being Here, you know, me through as the programmatic mind perceive Here is a "boring" place to be.

Have read chief's elaboration on one of the members' Dream posts, he mentioned - presence of Self. Some of his words: "Process is Here, a walking as the Moment – Here, every Moment that is a Self-Realisation Here = thus, you’re not every going-anywhere = but simply to Realise = that you’re HERE."; "Presence (which would ‘resonate’ as the ‘experience’ of ‘calmness’)"..i found them very Insightful/makes me Realize, for instance - presence, i was looking up in the Dictionary for moments that i can find the Precise/Satisfied meaning for what "presence" means in chinese, i mean, i "know" what it is but i can't put it into words. same as Here, i didn't notice..although i did that most of the time, that i was "separating myself/project myself to 'go' somewhere/do something"..and as Chief's said: "'re Not Ever Going anywhere"..i didn't get what he means at first..after reading it couple of times..|o| Sunette's said to me: (plainly) reading the words are just Information and Knowledge..i presume current generally(including my past me)..people might not agree and keen on/worship on what they watch hence processed through their eyes and senses but/least with common senses. and problems to me is: when i'm "tired" after hours of work or when through and as my mind "started" to project myself into "thoughts".."projecting" what to "entertain" myself. |o|..chief's words Really rings my bell, realize that.."thus, you’re not every going-anywhere"..not physically but inside me - not projecting/"going" Anywhere but Here.

I tried to Realize/reasonlize what is Here?..or practically how to Achieve Here. Chief's words really open me - up..i haven't experienced/explore of "not ever going anywhere" inside me. will it be a "wonderland"? of course, that would be "curiosity"..caused by further realization obtained though. i mean, these "pointless" race of loops of thoughts..really like a DVD player that makes me 'looks' interesting..but it really "tired" me afterward. and when i staying in my four count breathe, even when i am continuously working on transcribing videos for hours..i wasn't as "tired" as before..i mean, like i used to just hanging around in the house..but i need to sleep for over nine hours still feeling not, now..eights hours? sometimes seven..i felt fully charged and ready for next day's works..less "sore/sourness" in the muscles too.

I mean, the more i studied/get involved into Desteni stuffs..the more i realize we are currently very limited to what we've realized on how things actually works. our body(medical/biology), physics..etc. and the more i realized that i was through and as the mind consciousness systematic pursuit of "desires" in the reality world - the more i realize we can't go on this current way - where Co-existence as All Existence as Self is "left out" of the equation of our Current daily lifes.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander/project myself into the past and the future through and as my mind, instead of realizing - "i am not ever going anywhere" as Here inside within me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive Here - as not ever going anywhere inside me is boring to live like that.

i forgive myself for not allowed myself to release myself and let my self out as the presence of self in every moment.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship my five senses, mostly what i see/watched through my eyes, technology as collective knowledge and information, and the game of research and worshiped my ego for the illusion of "superiority" over Existence, like animals for food, trees and nature..regardless of their suffering - simply because i can, i at this moment can do it onto them and they "can't do a thing to me" - currently.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not aware and realize that how i/we treat the Existence, as our environment as reality manifestations is actually how we treat Self as ourselves and "creating how i/we will be treated that way in the up coming days"

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship and enjoy thoughts as DVD playback of pictorial projections inside me through as the mind, instead of worshiping "i am not ever going anywhere inside of me"

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to left Co-existence of All existence and me as part of expressions in existence in expressing me as self - equally, because Oneness and Equality is my/our true nature.