Thursday, September 24, 2009

Living in Texas..begin

Haven't blog for a while, it was literally full throttle most of the moments in translating, and transcribing. Translate the solution series, took 'a lot of time' at this moment, but it's worth it. there are really points that i didn't 'hear in', i just heard at the knowledge and information level and i didn't realize/clear on them yet. and through translation i am more one and equal to the points, 'cleared'. and i found out, it's my past that need to write out to release it inside, not as a basic construct/food for the mind consciousness system. and so, writing on my history again. it's quite surprised that there are so many about my past that i 'can' write about.

So, i was in Texas with my aunt and her family. there is also a 'illegal' immigrant from taiwan that she was 'renting' a room, hiding or something, she worked in a restaurant as a waitress, 'actively' looking for americans to get married, and got 'dumped' quite most of the time by caucasians. you know, the american 'live in paradise dream'. including myself that i didn't consider the nature of oneness and equality.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about dating Lilly while staying in my aunt's house.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep looking for enslaving others and have better living while others suffer and ignored the oneness and equality of the nature of us as self as life here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'use' others as advantages to as stepping stones to take personal self-interest and down to the core, my core was just caring for myself of what i can get from others for myself.

I self forgive myself for haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'paradise' living is built on others' as myself's suffering that i didn't care for oneness and equality and i just urge desire for what i want to experience energetically.

I live principle living as oneness and equality.
I consider oneness and equality, as effective and efficiency.

So she was there. i was, a..18? 19? youngsters. who..hadn't been out of my home for camping before. well, i was a bit take it for granted for what i have experienced in the house, that there are food when i am hungry, there are TVs, there are 'model kits, toys' that i can go to model shops and 'desire, dreams for' whole day long..but i didn't hv money to buy it, most most of the time. mom takes care of laundry. and i just lie on my bad, reading animation magazines from classmates or later one when i had my first job or something, i bought my first video game player and 'play'. (that's after i came back to hong kong, from america).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just lived in a living of experienced and enjoyed for myself, instead of realize the oneness and equality living and 'contributing' my part but just want to hide away and dodge my responsibilities, and 'rest'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my life as living only through as experiencing energy then i am 'alive' and i am living and my life was meaningful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as need energy and saving/preserving my breathe/strength through resting not realize that it's all the mind and i lived through as the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to the my self-directive principle living instead of letting my thoughts, feelings and emotions to 'direct' me in situations to how i act afterwards accordingly, instead of stand up within myself and self-direct.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live and define myself by being right correct and good not realize, there is only oneness and equality.

I am self-direct and not letting my mind consciousness system as thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me how i should experience myself.

I am not defined myself as pursuing one side, the 'good/nice/feeling' side of the polarity, i am here as all any side.

So, at school or the community college. it was smooth at first i presume, cause it's beginning course or something, wasn't doing as good as when i was in wisconsin's high school though. english was a 'problem' i mean, just words in MCS way can be complex, expressing similar things can have so many words to express and for a foreigner, it was 'difficult' especially when involve into courses of english. i mean, as far as what i have experienced and observed, it's really, not my cup of tea. i mean, ok, let's say i was..the english lecturer for my first fiction reading course or something, she could be 'tender'? she was a journalist/a novel writer herself. she was 'interested' in different culture, she 'looks to me' understand my expressing in english at that moment wasn't 'fluent' at all to a college's level, i mean, don't see my words here now as who i was, if anyone or you at this moment are reading this. i was like..middle school level? especially with the limited vocabulary i had, even here now, it still is. i mean, just like chinese, for a 'culture' that had gone through for five thousand years, and asking someone to realize/understand all those developed through five thousand years, with a mind system inside..i was always dreaming, why..or if i was born in a native english speaking country, my 'future' would be easier. so, she gave me a B or A- or something, and that only reflects on my 'interest' on participating into the writtings. and later on, american history, or even politics which was required or my councellor(spells like a cancellor to me) arrange me. basically, i was rock bottom at those years afterwards. i didn't do good at all, i did various methods but i didn't observe it assists much. while others, i really even at this moment, i still didn't 'counsciousnessly' know how they did, other foreign students i mean, i did asked them before, but i mean, at those periods, not many would tell you much. what i told was stuck in a library, or..just stuff it in. i mean, ever since i grow up, into the middle school, studying isn't 'fun' anymore. memeorizing wasn't my strong at, maybe i wasn't programmed to walk such life..and from here now i look at, everyone was just 'beingness' of a system, a robot or something and i didn't want to be like that. everyone just stuff things in, stuff points in, and it's there..but i couldn't, it didn't work on me. so, people works all sort of ways, finding pass papers, and lecturers, *sight..especially currently here the colleges that i went to..some are terminators as trashing students. i already notice this when i was in high school in hong kong, i was wonder: did, no body in the government knows about? can i suggest/advice to them the truth? .. WT* .. it's the reverse, they made it this way. i have to say it again. WTF. that we have inside us to manifest such world for us to live in. so, pretty 'students' are, usually do fine, might not and..i mean, wouldn't expect them to be book worm or something, i didn't expect so at least. it's like copy machines race. not even photo cameras, it's copy machines. others, are mainly on the lecturer's hand of how much scores that you can squeeze out from them. so, it was screwed. i became, hid away. i mean, i didn't want to..i also was the same moment, experiencing my own 'free'. with no parents. so i went to play video games, without letting my aunt knew, and my parents too. i mean, i didn't want to go to face the system school, but i couldn't stay in my aunt's house and sleep, at moment, sleeping was my hide out..was like, an addiction. that i was addicted to sleeping. i enjoyed being slept instead of active. i was enjoying the beingness of sleeping that i sort of like i 'love' sleeping. i eat only when i had to, then an hour? one and half maybe then i 'wanted' to delve back into sleeping. and i was 'home' sick, extremely. i was like, this world..all of a sudden, it was so cold, everyone's so mean, cold, distant and plotting and defending against each other. and i m among them. of course i didn't see those are my reflections. and just like mother teresa's interview, i lost 'my support' for me to go on. i was, collapsed inside. i was looking for my green house back in hong kong with my mother, father..projecting my future to be back to them. even in my aunt's house, it was like, i was an 'extra' outsider. and i played video games just liked, went to a casino or something. even for games that i finished, just played it again.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and reject, resisting the school system, as deceiving and wasting time, not realize that i/we collectively created that and we live with the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in enjoying power and authority in schools and reflected on lecturers as absolute authority in giving grades.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fond of those that i like or sexually attracted and i offer my assistance but reject those that challenge me instead of evaluating the situation common sensely.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like and want to get close to those that agree with my opinions instead of giving up my opinions as the opinions are a separation of here and i 'copy' the opinions from my parents and others in the first place.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i am my opinions.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by 'thinking' i cannot memorized stuffs with a text book size information and instead of realize it's common sense that works and assist me in living.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of my fear of studying in the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping as hiding and not facing this world as myself and just want to feel comfortability experience comfortability, not realize the oneness and equality in this whole picture.

There is no 'power' and authority but everyone at this moment, expressing and facing their own consequences afterdeath, afterwards.

I am not my personality or opinions, i am self all here.

I for those that i currently find sexually attracted or fond of, they are me as self too, and those that i don't fond of, or dislike, they are me too.

I don't fear my fear of studying. i work common sensely with studying.

So, i was collapsed, 'home sicked' in this america reality, that all i was, 'lost'. It was like i was dealing with multiple 'pressures'. there are so many things i needed to achieve, yet, studying was not 'on my side' so to speak. i was like, why? why did people keep saying, just face it more and more and the information will 'reveal' and it would be there inside your heard(i didn't know it was about revealing pre-programmed life information carried within our human DNA? or something, back then). i tried many many, various methods, drinking coffee, tried not to sleep, and, the vocabulary 'gap' was big, i mean even for here now, if someone give me a novel, in english, tell me to read/write a read-after report even looking up words in the dictionary could cost me much 'time'. and i was using a 'battling' attitude, to try to overcome, achieve, wasn't considering what 'you fight persist'. So, i started to skip classes. at first it was, see if i can concentrate more time in studying the material, later on, i just hide away from it. i felt 'comfortable' or having a little place, 'space' of my own, that i can leave the 'problems/troubles' away for awhile, a silent/quietnessness within me. and later on, it became, i did quite bad in the exams. you know, lecturers that i encountered at that moment, they enjoyed 'you have to answer my own ways, of what i have said, in class' like the lecturer's words are law. and the lecturer is god in whether he likes to give one's score or not. I was at those period, i asked myself: 'what am i doing here? i wanted to stay back with my parents, i was not happy, i was using quite an amount of money' and living, within someone else's house. it wasn't a 'nice experience' at all, this, thank goodness for we are in-truth in nature, in essence oneness and equal within as each other. and for those three years, i have suppressed myself for i'd say, almost everyday, you know, when i was not happy inside, but i need to go on, and can't show it, or showing it outward will 'jeapordize' my situation, or it break the 'relationship' that would not assist. i was, the beingness of 'survival', and many everything about myself was expandable. and i pinch/suppressed myself each day, suppressed what i felt, my unhappiness, suppressed my home sick.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be home sick, defined by a family construct, need companion instead of realize that every comes from a source as life here and everything in existence is self.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to enjoy in a family so that i can have more 'time' in experiencing myself energetically instead of expressing myself in assistance and contribute to self to life our original source, onenessly.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be memory system that can exchange for comfortable jobs but with un-proportional amount and lots of money as enslavement of others as the nature essence of myself, self instead of living oneness and shamelessly, self-honestly, onenessly in facing existence, forever.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself suppressed self for years just for survival, and suppressed the un-happiness and beingness of separated inside me and perceive 'man are tough to sustain must have trained by suffering, throw away self for survival' not realize that, everything was caused by myself.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that I cannot stay without a relationship, and afraid of loneiness not realize that we/I am alone in existence.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i can't live without separation as relationship and energetically hightened by relationship, not realize that we are all one from the same source of life, here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of others being spike my acts when i 'apparently' is under, limited under, inferior to others under circumstances, and suppress myself as self-dishonest to others as self, and being fake to them.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear my fear of being controlled, or harm by the authority, elite, or police, because they currently have tons of money and arms, not realize that first fear doesn't not assist, and just manifest and make things worse and worse, and second, it's not how long I stay on earth but how i spend my stay in every moment, while i am staying.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of dying in immense heat and the pain caused by immense immense heat of a nuclear explosion.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to the idea defining masturbation and sexual experience as something that's worth to hang on in this world, not realize that this world, is a 'apparent temptation' for spend first and paid extremelly later afterdeath in facing oneness, beignness of equal and one to.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel safe and secure when i fear, not realize it's the opposite that this world currently is opposite, as fear manifest what i fear.

I am oneness, we are one from the one source as life here.
I do not live in relationship or separation.
I self-honest to everything in existence as me as self.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Experiencing the Bottom of the Pyramid Hierarchy

So, it was so 'harsh' and enslaving work. what i see from my ex-boss, the tofu factory one. Fear me, cunning, greedy, total ignore of others, abusing, exert his anger and frustration onto others, totally blame others as it is their fault, (it's interesting to mention that, the stone grinder that grind the beans breaks into half, and he said: damn it, lose money again, i mean..even if i weren't there. Things would happen to manifest his frustration inside to release the energy, and current it seems he didn't notice this and it also means 'seem' as i didn't notice this yet. i am working and continuously 'clearing' myself though, i mean, else, i might have tricky/difficulties 'time' in supporting and continuing my internet and the translation in chinese support). and a big point, enjoy exerting/shooting angers inside me to make others suffer or take my anger systems then i feel better when they're fear of me. feeling superior and i am taking this all back to myself to 'feel' and see for myself. only in the opposite 'role'.

Also, still have sexual fantasies inside to want to use masturbation to exert the 'momentary' forget the pain. still yet, having instantatanous 'reactions' to woman or girls' body. i see this as currently as 'want to experience sex' before i die, or a 'over fantasized energetic projections through porns', metaphysically. but as the Desteni newsletter 3 mentioned, i am intergrating, awareing of my body with four count breath. to walk back what i have been missed. actually i sort of experienced similar things couple of months ago, when i was seeing animation porn, i being 'together' with my body and have momentary 'stable, stopped, hereness' and find the contents of the porn 'not very interesting', for a moment. this sexual fantasies is 'annoying' because whenever whoever it's a woman, it could bring out 'nudic ideas', seldomly it's man..i don't know yet how the body is functioning at this moment, they said the life essence has been taken out, but i did 'come' without pictorial or not even aware of myself, i was so tired this tired is the body not myself, i still sleep only six hours a day, and pains especially at the waist spine section.

Also, constantly have the 'image' of my legs being rolled over by a bus. doing self-forgiveness on it. is it i worried for i am so tired that i might lose balance and felt on the road being rolled over? is it i wanted to use the rollover pain as a 'drug' and associated metaphysically immense pain 'opens up' immense sex/masturbation pleasure? to temporary ease/balance the pain that i am experiencing.

I 'like' working/experiencing the bottom enslavement layer to 'cure' my desire for enjoyment or what's wrong with want to have dim sum or stimulations, i personally literally experience that know what it was like. the pain, the suffering and not desire for more anymore. not within oneness and equality 'frame'. to assist me in 'stopping' myself in just go to a chinese restaurant, sit down and then food and others will serve me and i am good. not realize/experience what is 'behind the back door', the atrocities and suffering. and this experience, i absorb into myself so i 'remember' and don't do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just enjoy and look to climb at the tip of the current money pyramid system but not caring the real-living life of the bottom pyramid base that is suffering and supporting those that are at the top.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cunning, greed, and not caring a nickel about others' suffering as it's not my problem you die and i only got my money and i only got one life instead of realize the consequence of personal selfish on money and the caused effects on oneness and equality as doing back to my up-coming days' self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to totally blame others for my unpleasant experience, abusing others treat them like nothing not realize what i experience is all me inside me and have a chance for me to look at.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger, anger into others and make them fear me to feel happier inside not realize it is a loop and re-create my experience until i clear it self-forgive them efficiently and self-corrective applying as not do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use sex and masturbation as a means of balance my pain that's experiencing inside me while working at the tofu factory.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder and lick my boss's wife?'s sex organ just because she's 'treating me better' and not realize this masturbation or sex acts fantasies based on pictorial based are 'out of control'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder the blond teenager getting on the bus instead of realizing the this not self aroused oriented but reactive based on uneasyness unpleasant of pain inside me and i didn't ask permission from her as self and this reactive sex fantasies has to stop.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss my ex-boss mr. lau as a punishing him, as a stimulation as a oneness and equality act.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of because of too tired and drowzyness and busyness that i might lose balance or didn't see and fall my head into the soy bean grinding machine and crushed painfully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project immense pain as direct proportional immense sexual pleasure since the more pain i am experiencing the more i 'desire' of sex not realize that it is all in the metaphysical and not true and not respecting and one and equal to my body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take food for granted and not realize the suffering at the bottom pyramid layer enslavement that is going on and people that need to be 'enslaved' to generate the food and other needs that seemingly ' it's just there, it just magically there, they got paid for producing such things, it is their problem and they don't seem suffering too much, i didn't see their suffering ' as an excuse to keep want more energetic stimulations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself want to have my legs rolled over by a bus to generate immense pain and project having immense sexual pleasure in return not realize it is totally metaphysical fucked up ideas and pain only cause more pain.

Three days experienced in the Bottom Class as Tofu worker

Ok, it has been a while since i write this blog. few weeks has passed. so, worked in a tofu factory for three days. lots of..mirror feed backs, one major one is i enjoy exerting my anger and frustration to people around me whenever i have a chance, almost like using that as a drug and it is shown by Mr. lau's reflections on me, my ex-boss so to speak. and another thing is i really have a lot lot lot of realization of what i have accepted and allowed for take it for granted, even a little piece of tofu, bean curd or soy milk, oh and yes, they did put a lot of additives inside, working as an uneducated worker at the lowest suppressed almost close to the bottom of the pyramid base level. after experienced such hurting, extreme sharp edge pain on my back that i can't hardly move last night that i need to sleep early, the current money system pyramid hiearchy is plain, apparently a music chair game, but in behind truly it was a game of certain beings playing with 'reincarnations' into the 'good lifes' as elites. every piece of especially waist below muscles hardened like robots moving, stiff and sharp pains back of spine it is not just pain, it was sending a signal that it can't handle very well at all and stop doing suppressing 'me' again, yet i was 'required' to work the next day. it's not my ex-boss don't need me, for such harsh work he need someone and an extra turn of making another tofu already can 'earn' my little salary, it's me dress up my coat and he knew i was looking for other jobs that 'pissed' him, i am glad at this moment i still have shelter and food to sustain myself and support for the Desteni oneness and equality project. for those that are on what i have experienced daily or even worse, i am ..shamed of myself for pursuing all sorts of things like dim sum to make all sorts of people involved especially the lower pyramid base level workers, that as long as i have or my family have money, i want to go to a 'restaurant'..or the waitress/'s their job, they don't seem tired..once i worked behind the 'back door'. i can say, i don't 'like' to eat any bean produces, again. same as dim sum, i mean, the suffering and pain is so 'horrible' this three days, did assist me a lot in seeing how the lower extreme low class in the pyramid base is experiencing, how the actual pain and suffering they are in. literally, shortening their life time to exchange for money for their boss. and not to mention the physical as the beans are being boiled and crushed. this 'system' of madness in everyone wants to be the tip of pyramid can't go on like this, actually i knew, before, quite very well, but i just want more, more video games, more stimulaiton/greed on food, more traveling go here go there. ok, continue maybe next morning, it's tired 'today'.